I am having a troublingly hard time being home. It isn’t for a lack of love of place or people. The fact is, my mother presses all the wrong buttons. She is a difficult woman when it comes to me, because she at once demands fealty and demeans. It is as though my role is to be beneath her and she needs me to love that. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to remain quiet and let her say her stuff in her spin and tell me all these things about what is right and wrong and what I should do and how I should live and simply remain quiet throughout the process. I no longer have the same patient tolerances for holding my tongue and eating my sadness. I admit it leaks out and infects everything else. I’m pretty sure I got into a spat with the Lady Talis last night over an unrelated matter simply as a result of being maxed out.
I love here. I cannot live here.
In spite of all the good there is also so much familial strife that is not good. I feel like I am sacrificing the overall happiness of everyone for these incredible moments of happiness from simply walking around and being happy in a thriving vibrant place where people actually want progress. Not to sound too political, but perhaps that is a fundamental difference of the baseline republicans and democrats. Most of the Republican places I’ve been to or lived in don’t much like the change. The sameness (or turning back the clock) is the way they want it.
Makes me wonder if I am misunderstanding Cittaslow, as the Italians call it. Slow life is nice but does it mean stagnant? It is something I need to consider a lot more closely now that I realize the mess of here and start to unravel all these tightly wound emotions and situational awarenesses. Above all else, I know that tomorrow is the end of this brief journey and I’ll be back in the desert grind (that isn’t a grind) and I’ll have to figure out how to navigate all of that nonsense again.
Some Thoughts:
- Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: ” Americans’ sympathies in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict have shifted dramatically, new poll shows” Spoiler Alert: We started to realize Genocide is at play… and it ain’t the Israelis going extinct.
- Just bought that happy Harry Potter backpack. And a British long ton of butter beer. yee!