8.325. FreeWrite

“There is no possible scenario where you benefit from this incident.” 

Kel is already in the bathroom when he hears her from outside the door.  She hasn’t knocked. Hasn’t said anything before this to indicate that she knows he is in there; knows what he is doing. He clears his throat to cover the sound of putting the pill bottle back where he found it. Then he says, “Excuse me?”

More silence. He imagines her servos whirring in anticipation, hoping to catch him in a lie or an action that would be construed as legitimate cause to harm. 

“I’m using the bathroom!” He calls out again.

“You are not. You are stealing pills.” Her voice is flat, judgement in monotone. 

He flushes the toilet. He turns on the sink, washes his hands. She remains silent. 

There are no windows in Kaitlyn’s bathroom. So, he turns to the door, wet hands gripping brass, and opens it. The robot fills the doorway. She looks like a caricature of a human woman, big eyes, small waist. Other parts of her are larger than they should be as well. He’s always thought it was Kaitlyn’s choice to order that model, more as a distraction from herself than a joke. 

Kel shoves wet hands in his pocket, looking at the treads below the robot’s wide feet. 

“How many did you steal?” It’s one of those questions that force admission. He knows it, even as he looks up and shrugs, the lump in his throat disappearing.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

The robot blinks like a shade coming down on a window and popping back up. “Thermogenic scans indicate falsehood. How many did you steal?”

He tries to step to the side, but the robot shifts, meeting his position. He sighs and says, “none.”

The robot tilts its head, following the invisible line of his esophagus down into his stomach. She says, “Then there will be no problems if I check.”

8.325.

Well, I made it to another Friday. Mostly through, actually. Today is a really tough on, because I am done with humans. I’ve reached the stress point where I don’t know how to be patient. I can feel and see flames when folks just stop dead in front of me as though they are no longer aware the world is existing around them. They do it in cars. They do it on foot. The do it in aisles. The do it in turning lanes, parking lots, between spots… I’m really just done.

There is no natural cause for each individual moment of anger. I’m simply overwhelmed. There was a moment where two of my boys were headed to the park to play basketball and brought along their phones… To walk a block. In my defense they usually don’t bring their phones to go play basketball, but now one is so lovestruck with a girl he’s lost all contact with reality. Thing is glued to his hip like a revolver and everything else stops when she buzzes. That is forgivable to an extent. Love is what love is. Still, put it down and have a real relationship and a real moment with your brother–especially when you asked him to go play.

See, that’s it right there. These little things generally live far below the surface of my psyche but now they are present and painfully obviously bothering the hell out of me. It’s just humans too! The dog, a pain in the ass on a good day, is not on my radar. The cats… Well, okay. They bug still, but no more than normal. It is really just the people who are glowing with… i don’t even know what to call it.

Overstressed.

Let’s call it that. My normal escape to video games is marred by an obsession with a game I cannot win. Yes, the Spire slayed me. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Yet I get up, dust myself off, and try again. I’m beginning to lose the thread of why. The win isn’t going to feel like anything but a sigh of relief at this point.

I should just go back to Minecraft and chill. Well, for now I’m going to go walk the dog.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Bonkers headline of the day: “Melania Trump’s documentary premieres at the Kennedy Center ahead of global release” Yeah.. but nobody is buying tickets because why would they? Better question: Why would Amazon spend 75 million making it (and of course, paying her for it to be made). This is corruption at it’s finest, folks.

8.324. Reflections on a Thursday Morning

I am a long way away from establishing a routine. It always happens a lot faster on the road/on vacation. I think that is the case because there is less going on in my life when I am on the road and the world shrinks down to merely myself and the Lady Talis. That is usually the best version of the world. This is not to say I prefer to be away from family. It is to say I am in love and happier in the arms of my lady and away from the tug of the daily routine that takes me away from both that lady and the writing. Road life consists of very few things: Teaching an Online Class, Taking an Online Class, Writing, and Spending time with the Lady Talis. These core four are the heart of my daily life. Being at “home” or in the desert specifically, means there are more daily requirements, most of which involve cleaning up after kids, driving kids around, and appearing regularly on campus.

So, it appears my ideal life requires me to work entirely online. I’m not mad at that. I don’t know where to find that world, though I am going to keep looking for it. In fact, I am going to make every possible effort to transform my life into one where I am devoting the time to writing and generating enough income from my craft that I can do that “full time” and no longer need to worry about in-person. Imagine no longer being tethered to responsibilities like that and being able to be true and focused to your core.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Bonkers headline of the day: Justice Department charges man who squirted vinegar on Rep. Ilhan Omar
  2. Old school Youtube was an actual “intellectual” warzone. See Greg Solomon vs. Renetto. Ain’t nobody hiding out here.
  3. I wonder about spam sometimes. I mean we are generating this trash data and it goes somewhere. Yes, things can be deleted, but deletion is not as straightforward as it sounds. It happens in layers and there is a theory that we are continually archiving everything in the web… But where? How big are these clouds getting? How much space is really available for all the data (I refuse to call it content) being generated?

8.323. Waiver Wednesday

Todd Monken made a choice. That choice means he gets to be a head coach–his first time at the pro level. He’s done the job once before for the Mississippi Golden Eagles, leading them to a 13-25 record. He’s never been a winning HC, it seems. He’s a solid OC though. He’s good at that. He can get players in positions to be successful. I really thought those players would be wearing Giants blue. They aren’t going to be. Sanders might benefit from him, if Sanders is on the team or even gets the chance to start. So now what?

Nate Scheelhaase. There, I said it. Go get the Rams Savant. Seriously. I cannot express how important smart people in the coaching seat are to having a successful program. My high schooler has a smart DC and that has him in position to succeed. The OC… Nah. His head coach calls plays and seems to be playing the game like it’s Madden. It isn’t working at all. There have been times when I really thought bro was trying to lose the game because he kept on spamming the same play and doing it in a position in the game where running the ball (as the opponent could not stop the run even when the knew it was coming) made all the sense in the world and throwing it (when the QB lacked both confidence and touch) as he did clearly risked a loss. Change is good. DV needs it, and the Giants certainly need it. My mid-kid is getting it as he’s moved on to be the newest leader of the Northern Iowa Secondary. He’s following his former coach to that coach’s new school, so that’s good. Will they be good? Not sure. Give them one more year to lock in.

I’d say the same for the Giants, but the NFL waits for no coaching staff. Honestly, if Nabers and Skattebo are healthy and they add another piece, they can do things. The D is already locked in up front. They just need pieces in the secondary.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Bonkers headline of the day: “Live updates: FBI executes search warrant for 2020 election files in Fulton County” Bro, you lost. You gotta move on.
  2. Yet, this might be a part of a larger scheme to legally grant the man a 3rd term. The argument there would be that the second term was “stolen” and thus he is legally entitled to those four years.

8.322. Rough One

I haven’t had the best of days. Mostly it is about not being prepared for the day. I lost my keys and that led to a lot of lost hours. Beyond that I just was not on. I didn’t get things done as required, and find myself further behind than before. I need to figure out how to lock in and stay on schedule and stay on track. The workload is getting higher and there is no end in sight. I need to be more productive on a daily basis and less obsessed with games. That latter part is tough, because I want the win so very badly.

I need wins. I need small victories to make me feel like all this work is for something. I get working for the long reward, but right now some sign of goodness would be appreciated. The struggle, as they say, is real.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Bonkers headline of the day: “US sending ICE unit to Winter Olympics for security, prompting concern and confusion in Italy” wait, what?
  2. Super Bowl news of the week: Broncos fired the OC… Like it was his fault Stidham was trash…

8.321.

Lacking coherent long form thought, I figured I ought to slide directly into…

Some Thoughts:

  1. Some smaller thoughts I might add, Thoughts like, why are Basketball stars like Barkley and Kerr the ones who are trying to be the voice of reason in the US? Why are the politicians either being tuned out or falling in line.
  2. On that subject: What is with the ICE leader and that ridiculous uniform he wears. Whar service does it even belong to? Not ICE. Meanwhile the agents all look like Right-Wing militia. Wait… are they?
  3. Speaking of this nonsense, is anyone ready to point out that Trump said he’d use military force if Iran attacked protestors in their own country (which he did not d.. liar) and then basically stood by while two US Citizens were murdered for protesting here.
  4. Behind on deadlines, struggling to get ahead on classes, and yet all that consumes me is this Slay the Spire game.I gotta beat this final level. I got so close my first run and never even remotely near it since. It irks me so…
  5. Bonkers headline of the day: “Los Angeles homeless services CEO charged with defrauding taxpayers to pay for luxury lifestyle” If there is a hell… You’re getting a first class ticket.
  6. Lots of football to talk. I’ll probably wait till Wednesday for the sake of alliteration.
  7. 6,126 protestors dead in Iran, four more journalists dead in Gaza… We’re not doing well as a species.
  8. Are we still having the World Cup here? I mean Trump got that peace prize and all…
  9. Alrighty… I got nothing.

8.320.

So, yeah, I didn’t write. I’m blogging now. I finished the homework and graded what I could grade… But I didn’t write. I need to get back on schedule tomorrow. I also need to develop the lesson plan and canvas shell for tomorrow. But I didn’t write. I cannot keep going day after day and not writing. If this is to be what I believe I am meant to do, then I need to be doing it. I need to be dedicated to the point where the distractions fall away and become what I do as a way to recharge, not simply what I do.

The blue bow work is what I’ve been doing the past day. I’ve been trying to fix our burning dryer. I’m not sure I totally solved the problem. I am sure that I haven’t put it back together and cleaned up the space, so it looks very much like the situation will extend into tomorrow. This is how life gets backed up and writing gets back burnered.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Absolutely bonkers news quote of the day: “Videos of deadly Minneapolis shooting contradict government statements” Yeah… that’s another shooting of another US citizen and another lie about what we all saw happen on video.

8.319. Anything but Write!

I can always tell when my hearts not into a project or I’ve lost the thread or I think it’s going to turn out badly, because I’ll do anything to avoid sitting down and getting it done. It kills my sleep schedule too. I’ll stay up all night not thinking about it, but thinking about it. I’ll task my subconscious to run background processes, analyzing the project from every angle and hoping to find one that actually makes me feel like its both worth doing and could wind up not being trash. Needless to say, the last few days have been a study in sleep deprivation. I become my own worst critic/my own worst enemy when a project isn’t feeling the way it should. The last time it felt this epically bad I was working on a project for a particular Center at Arizona State University. That project made it to play testing and was never heard from again. I never heard from them again either. So, I can assume it was shuffled to the bottom of their pile and better written work became their focus.

That’s the thing with stinkers. I feel like I can smell them coming. This one smells pretty awful on all levels, and it is also quite late, so that is double trouble on my mind. Some of this is certainly compiling with the feeling of being overwhelmed. How could it not be? Of course, I do what I always tend to do when I know it isn’t going to end well–I run. I hide. I find anything and everything else to do. I cut my hair. I sweep the floors. I consider larger house renovation projects.

Anything but write.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Bonkers news quote of the day: Trump threatens Canada with 100% tariffs over its new trade deal with China. Ain’t nothing gonna happen. Dude’s been exposed as a bully over and over in the last few days and Carney doesn’t flinch.
  2. And because it can’t be Trump all the time (though he’d like that very much): Almost 10,000 flights canceled as major winter storm bears down across much of the US. I swear I saw this movie decades ago…
When will the worst of the winter storm hit my area?
The Day After Tomorrow | Top 10 Freezing Cold Movies | TIME.com

8.318. Sick Day

I didn’t sleep well. I didn’t gym well. I didn’t write well. All in all today has been a loss. My mortgage went up, my health went down… heck, I couldn’t even win at video games. My pop said there’d be days like this. He was right. He didn’t tell me what to do about it though. What do you do when it feels like you’re losing every minute of the day and nothing works the way it should in your mind?

I suppose the best answer is to step back, regroup, and look forward to a better tomorrow. Because if this is as good as it gets, then things aren’t getting very good anymore.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Bonkers news quote of the day: Minnesota activist releases video of arrest after manipulated White House version
  2. I can drag out nine or ten of these every single day. It is no longer shocking to see the white house dropping manipulated images. I can believe we live in a world like this and it makes me even more ill than I already am.

8.317.

The news is really too much. The latest Trumpism is this so-called Board of Peace, which if I understand it correctly, is a collection of countries and corporations who’ve bought in to the Gaza rebuild. I write cyberpunk. I didn’t think I would ever live it. Yet, that is where it feels like we are in this sprawling reality in which, on the one hand, we’ve reached a point in our technological growth where Solar Sails are actually a thing and planetside we are falling apart in real time. I am starting to think that the universe, as it were, is one giant organism and humans are the cancerous cells that have figured out how to replicate and push themselves towards other cells.

There’s some small logic to this theory when you consider the baseline of protons, neutrons, and quarks, and the even smaller electrons, which make up the building blocks of mass. Of course, theoretically, our entire galaxy could exist within an electron. Our Universe could. The entire thing could be a recursive loop…

Writer’s have tried to capture this concept before, most notably (to me) Stephen King’s Good Luck, Chuck. In which he argues that we “contain multitudes”. I don’t suspect we will ever know the truth of this in my lifetime, or if death will provide any larger answers. I strongly suspect not. Death to me feels like an off state or, as Charles Stross put it, a Halting State, in which all action and memory ceases… like the end of a tape or a record. Much like that concept, the record remains, giving me the belief that life, as it were, always exists and we live the timeline we are in as a solid structure–we are the recording.

I also believe in the concept of a multiverse in which there are many versions of our record, though I don’t know or am not sure if I even believe in the concept of crossover between such things… This got really philosophical fast. To think it started in Davos with now President Trump being a dumbass as usual. At least he’s triggering introspection and philosophy in my soul as opposed to anger. I cannot get mad at the doddering old fool anymore. He’s being exactly who I know and expect him to be. It is the people around him–the sycophants and those draped in greed who I suspect are the real problem, because they ought to know better. Yet they choose not to.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Bonkers news post of the day: Former DEA agent sentenced to 5 years in prison for using badge to protect drug trafficking friends