The immediate fear of being back in the states and being back in the desert in particular is falling into old habits. The worst among those habits is how still and seated I am over the course of a day. I’ve watched my minutes and miles go down dramatically over the past few days. I’ve dropped from an average of 10 to an average below 2. That is not acceptable behavior and likely the kind of stuff that will find me in an early grave. Why? The heat is definitely a problem, but the lack of walkable spaces and the culture are key here. This is not a walking culture. Heck, even walking the dog becomes a chore when you shift towards avoidance of all other dogs in the area for concerns of what that other dog might be wanting or be trained to do. This is a stark contrast to our walks in Canada where we often went through spaces where dogs were off the leash and were always completely fine and well behaved with people and, largely, with each other. The owners were more of a problem.
Here, the problems mount. The fees and troubles mount. The negativity mounts. I think that is why I’m looking forward to football so much. It provides a potent outlet for all of this negativity by, at the least, giving me something to look forward to that isn’t a literal escape. I’m looking forward to those too, and there are plenty on the way. However, I cannot continue to live a life that is about escaping from that life I am living. there are a number of things I need to figure out and start to feel good about. Here at home alone I need to learn how to feel comfortable in the space again without worrying about little fatherly things like who is going to eat my food or cleaning up after kids who act like they don’t know better.
My life is what it is. I made these choices and I stick by them. I am mostly proud of them. I am here in this space and I need to find a way to feel good about that. This, like all things, is a process.
Some Thoughts:
- No, I didn’t freewrite. I actually forgot it was Friday until this very moment.