Going back to Diet Days, which was published back in 2013. That is ten years removed and 23 lbs lighter than I was when I said I was heading towards 198. Now I am heading towards a wedding later this month where I no longer fit into the suit I bought to wear to it. Clearly I am trending in the wrong direction. Man I long for 216. The idea of getting to 220 fills me with a sense of wonder, so to think that 198–40+lbs lighter could be a possibility or even could have been in astounding.
Trending in the wrong direction ought ought to be the tagline for my self-evaluation and value over the past year or few. I lost my way big time and the weight gain is a clear and present reflection of that. It isn’t a ‘I need Jesus’ moment persay, but I just need to lock in on my values and pacing and figure out how to live a life that is in balance and ultimately healthy. I was not doing that back in 13′ and I am clearly not doing it now.
Instead I am living in a constant binge purge cycle of pleasures and work. I don’t have balance for a number of reasons. I truly believe the top reason is living in a space where I am not respected. As a result of that I walk around trying not to get angry and trying not voice what is wrong and not putting it in the writing for concerns of it creating more tension. Heck, even this passage could cause problems in my life. All the same, living under the umbrella of disrespect is a difficult thing to endure. Even when things feel really good in the space you always know they could turn ugly in an instant. I personally know that if that happens it won’t end well for any of us. So when you’re so busy not rocking the boat in spite of how anyone else behaves, you’re spending your mental energy focused on the impact of that and not on yourself.
It is an excuse–valid or not. I still need to find a way to do what I can under the conditions I decide to live under.