I don’t know that people are ever truly honest with each other. It always feels like we hold something back or we give a hint of the truth to spare feelings or arguments. We say enough to clear the table but rarely enough to clear the mind or the spirit. For me it isn’t little white lies that I tell. My problems always boil down to money. If anything I don’t say everything that I do for the kids–be it providing a little extra on the lunch money or throwing a kid a 20 for gas–things that ought not to make me feel guilt but do. As I approach this time of turnover and change I am thinking about how those tiny leave outs add up and create this stream of uncomfortableness which tears away that clear mind and spirit.
I need to live in a home existence where I feel safe and secure enough to be complete honest about all that I do in life. A safe core means I can devote my mental processes to other things and not towards worrying about if the core is safe. It’s basic Maslow’s hierarchy of needs type stuff. I need to feel like that at home and I need to be locked into that same mindset at work, as opposed to feeling like I am watching my back or playing political games or stepping carefully around peoples feelings. Such is what leads me to believe that I am not one cut out for politics but better cut out for writing.
So, on this eve of eve’s I am making a personal vow to be of clean mind and spirit with my partner and by extension in our lives. I want to make sure there are no secrets in the core. Even small ones cause fissures.
Some Thoughts:
- Post 400 will be on New Year’s eve. turning over to a new hundred as we prepare to turn over to a new 365 feels momentous in a way I cannot fully place.
- As I lean into a new semester of teaching I need to get my priorities listed and straightened out. I need to get back to having a center and being organized and applying the time I have in a useful way.