Yesterday was, by any definition of the term, a work fail. I did not get a single thing done. Instead I wallowed in the anger of realizing that my kids are quite lazy and largely happy with that state of being. It pissed me off. It made me not want to work so hard because why? It all too often feels like I am busting my hump to fall deeper in debt in order to make their lives all that easier so they can be utterly sustained in doing nothing.
I think this is what a lot of modern parents think and feel–save for the ones who are totally okay with their kids being lumps. Moreover, there is little to be done about it. We aren’t kicking anyone out and we aren’t imposing any rules that would change anything. So, I need to shift my focus away from the things I cannot change and get back to the real truth–which is me not doing my thing and letting the outside (no matter how close) influences be the issue.
I don’t know when I became the person who let the world win. At some point I lost my motivation and allowed myself to be ground down. None of that is helpful for a man this late in life who still has major goals yet to be achieved. More and more I am realizing my humanity, and how little time I may actually have here to get anything accomplished. I developed a serious tremor in my right hand that argues there is something fundamentally wrong with me that goes beyond controlling my weight. I will eventually seek medical help, but in the meanwhile I need to get unmoored from this idea of aimlessness and lock in on what I want to do in order to be successful. Writing this first thing in the morning, well, that’s a step. Now I need more.