I get mad (like really sad and mad) about my eldest stepson because he doesn’t do anything. I make excuses (maybe he’s in the wrong city–I know I am), I hope and dream, but every day is the same. He sits on the couch or stands in front of his playstation in his room. That’s it. What I am coming to accept is twofold: first, he doesn’t have a lot of options or properly modeled behaviours, and more importantly: It is his choice, not mine.
I don’t do a lot either. I watch shows and play upwords every single day. I write. I walk a mile. Those are the things. I’m rarely out at night taking in sights or clubs or adventures. Sure, we do go on adventures–quite a few to be honest– but the day to day is sedentary. There is nothing in my daily life so wildly different from his daily life as to promote a healthier and more active lifestyle. That is what makes me the angriest. I am not doing much more than he is. The difference is he’s accepted it as a way of life and I have decided that I am being held prisoner by circumstance, weather, and weariness.
All that being said: who cares? The role of a father is to model and encourage and prepare. I am meant to get him to a point where he is self sufficient and can design for himself a life he is satisfied with. My satisfaction or dissatisfaction was never ever the point. Oddly enough, I came to this realization while listening to Numb by Linkin Park (the original recording–not the Emily Armstrong version)…
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoesEvery step that I take is another mistake to you
~Chester Bennington
Yeah.. If I want to call myself a good father, I need to embrace and support the choices he makes–they all make–in life even while arguing that there are better choices to be made. They are not me. They aren’t supposed to be.