people talk a lot about finding themselves—as though they’ve been lost through time and circumstance or perhaps never once found in the cacophony of years and travel. I don’t know that I believe you can find yourself because you are always who you are, in spite of the layers of doubt, situation, and even opportunity that clouds our awareness of self. I suspect finding yourself is a shorthand for cutting though all of that to the core of who you are, the way a sauna burns out all of the sweat accumulated and seeps away the sick that lives within it.
I don’t have that sense of being lost or displaced from a core sense of who I am—perhaps I am detached from who I want to be or what I want to obtain. I know I don’t fully live the life I hope to experience before I can experience no more. I should be fueled by that hope. I should be pushing forward towards a future self and situation that is filled with the adventures and stories and opportunities and experiences I wish to claim as my moments of life. Instead, often, a sourness settles over me like a kid who has seen his parents doing something terrible and realizes at once that the world is not the magical place he once believed it was.
the trick to life is not finding yourself but realizing that you can find your space and happiness within the sour. No, I haven’t found the perfect place—not by leagues. I’ve found a place that is good for now. I’ve uncovered Sarah Mac’s “Good Enough” and I’ve settled into it as if this good enough is going to last long enough to wipe away the need for more. I know it isn’t and that is what unsettles me.
I’m running out of time to enjoy would could, should, and eventually must be.