I’m good tired–the kind of fatigue that comes from doing something you think is useful. I’m helping the father-in-law shape a space to have his 75th. We’re putting up lights and cleaning out lots and making sure everything lines up nice for the horde of people to come pay service to his aging. I’m quite impressed with the life the man has led thus far. I’m quite impressed he’s been able to do so much and remain as healthy as he seems while I’m feeling pangs in my heart from the little bit I’ve done thus far. Some folks are born to be old. Others are born to die young. Others still fall along that spectrum. I don’t know when my time is supposed to be up, but when it is I want to know I’ve done as much as I could as well as I could and loved with every ounce of my soul.
I also want a lot more time. I can’t say that I deserve it. I can’t say if any of us do, but the want is there. The desire to do more and make more resonates. With any luck I will continue to be able to pay it forward to those who will come after and those who are here now. I suppose I am beginning to understand just how old I actually am and as such, just how long I might have left. There is sadness in that. There is a sense of displeasure in realizing there is less life in front of you than there is behind, like you’ve been on the rollercoaster and you know that next big loop is the last one. You still want to appreciate the loop, but you know there isn’t a chance you get to ride again.
I find myself feeling terribly maudlin lately. I find that I am unsettled by the burgeoning reality of the now and am I unprepared for what this next step is supposed to be. I am grateful I have a partner to go forward with. I am grateful for a number of things. I am grateful for playing a role in all of our kids’ lives, even if half of them would rather be elsewhere when it comes time to celebrate family and give thanks. I accept that the way I accept all thing–with the understanding that you cannot change the things you cannot change. Yet we must maintain the courage to change the things we can. I mean to do such. This is, after all, the eve of the next act. I intend to live that act out to the best of my ability.