Days when I don’t feel remotely healthy are the worst. I feel like if I try to move too much my body will fold in on itself, leaving me looking like a horror flick victim… or someone who was half-compressed by a black hole. Neither would feel very good. The heat on my back does. I’ve been giving myself periodic heat treatments. Years ago I developed a ‘trick back’ that seems to manifest around this time of the year (or later) which leaves me in a useless state. It manifested between flag and tackle football–towards the tail end of flag, I believe.
Been thinking about the past a lot. The Lady Talis doesn’t fully by into regret, so I’ve tried to consider that perspective. I do wish I made better choices in a lot of areas. I wish I understood then the things I do now. I think we all feel that way about a time in our lives. I am happy to know my kids feel like they had a good childhood. It pains me to think they might be the last American generation to have that kind of childhood. Nowadays everything is parsed over cellphones. Memes are the currency, not bikes and balls and trips to the park. That starts earlier and earlier. I’ve watched kids in strollers dialed into screens like that wss the only thing that mattered. Before long it will be.
Some Thoughts:
- It really sucks to disappoint the people you love. I do this daily as of late. It has me wondering about personal worth and if the people I love (the person, actually) would be better off without me. That is how depression starts. I’m not there, nor do I plan to be, but I am really worn down and prone to mistakes, which means these disappointments will only get worse.
- I am blessed with a good partner, so this too shall pass, I hope. In the meanwhile it absolutely sucks to be the one person someone expects to make you smile and not be able to provide that. This too is what depression looks like. I’m not there, nor to I intend to be. Feels pretty close though.