I have five boys. Two live with me full time. The others, apparently, don’t want to be here. Their life isn’t here. Their joy isn’t here, which by default means that I am not a part of any of that. It hurts. It is a terrible feeling to give so much of yourself and your life to people who simply do not care about you the way you care about them. You see it all the time in relationships. I see it less in parental relationships–in fact I am more used to the other side of the coin where my parents couldn’t care much less about me. Perhaps that is the truth I’ve been avoiding. Perhaps it is me.
I am very easy to be taken for granted. I do not demand much from people, which I always thought was a good thing. I’m falling into doubt about that, though I am not completely sure it is the issue at all. I don’t know, it is just hard to see the other two boys and the daughter on this side care so much about their mom and know that not a single kid has that depth of connection with me. Sad, but true. I’m a second level parent… A backup.
Some Thoughts:
- First time I’ve had to go to the ASMR well in weeks. This time its singing bowls. I reach for this kind of stuff when I feel off or awful. Today is the latter.
- Minecraft note: You can put up to three worlds in a realms account and play that realm across platforms. It is also a nifty way to upload and download your world across platforms, which is ideally what I think I intend to use it for with the Switch2.