I have this image in my head–maybe its more of a clip or a dream or a hallucinated moment–where I look to the people out in front of me and say, “I finally got my shit together!” And in that moment it is real and known that I am the complete person promised. I’ve come round at last. This has never really happened. My life consists of a variety of failures stitched together by rare, and oft fleeting, moments of success. I suspect most lives are like that; storybook lives where the protagonist fails and fails and fails until they finally succeed. This could be why such structures work so well in story form.
As I type, the Lady Talis is out beyond the door speaking with her own eldest son (as we are a blended family we each have a first born male of which to speak). They are chatting about life and his life in particular, though he and especially his blood sister (our one girl) and his younger blood brother both often chat with her and ask after her life. My blood-born three do no such thing either to her or me. I don’t suspect they do it to their blood mother either (are you thinking the term blood mother is such a sci-fi or even fantasy coolness that it sounds quite awful in RL?). They were not programmed to care about us. I suspect they never will really see us as more than someone to come to with needs, questions, or misdirected aggression. I never taught them to give a crap about me and my life. As a result, I don’t get birthday gifts.
I got it wrong. That is the argument here. Sure, these boys could be really successful in life. All three of the blood born have a direct path to high-level success. Yet in terms of keeping us together as a family, I did not get my shit together. I never will. Sometimes the chance to make change is long behind you before you ever truly realize it. I’m starting to see that about many aspects of my life.
So, it is time to accept the things I cannot change, and to realize what those things are. It is time to move forward and give my energy and soul to what I can do from here on out.
Some Thoughts:
- Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Sabastian Sawe breaks fabled 2-hour barrier in the marathon to shatter world record by 65 seconds” I don’t think people truly realize how fast you have to go to run a marathon in under 2 hours. It is a wild level of sustained speed and endurance. Just wild.