She asked, “Do you have to go to Walmart every day?” A more clever person would have responded with something witty; perhaps even something along the lines of “Sometimes I go to Target.” Instead I stood there dumfounded, wondering how accurate the comment/question was. The next day, in Walmart, I thought about more and I got a little upset. The comment scored bone deep. It made me consider my own consumption.
This isn’t really about Walmart. I cannot recall a day in recent history when I didn’t purchase something. Gas, food, something always seems to require me to break out my wallet. This is a reflection on the way I live—day to day with little foresight about my distant needs. I buy food for the next few days, gas when the little orange light flicks to life, snacks (desserts mostly) or coffee when the need strikes. Regardless of the dealer, I’m hooked on that consumption.
I cannot say where it all started. Maybe not having much as a kid led to me having little control as an adult. It’s an easy answer and a 100% cop out. I recognize that I can have self-control and largely don’t. I also recognize that there is some social programming at play here. I fall into the cycle of basic needs (bread, water, gas, milk, etc.) but beyond that a lot of the spending is about that feeling I get from bringing home the taste of new or the comfort of being able to apply money to a task like making dinner as opposed to the work of cooking it.
Back when I taught rehab I always said the first step is admitting you have a problem. This is me admitting I have a problem. Correcting it will go a long way to helping me find the balance in my life I’ve long sought.