1804.

Another night with a head full of thoughts and absolutely nothing to say. What I do know now is that I have a lot of stuff to write about in novel form. That will happen down the road, once my mind and heart are in better alignment and I’ve had time to bear the weight of the last few years.

Here’s something I think I think:

Each of us has limits and strengths and voice and potential. We let the world wear on us and erode all of that which we can be until we become the sum of the strength that we have in us to endure day after day. Even in the melancholy times like now I feel like the strength to endure is something I still have–though it wanes at times and is at once propped up by the desire to be something more and to have something better for myself and my kids.

In the end I want to build something that lasts. I tried that and failed once already. One day I’ll try again and I’ll take the lessons of the past with me into this new future and make sure I build something that lasts and leaves a legacy for the boys.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. In 1804 Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr drew pistols on each other in an illegal duel to the death. This duel was the result of long time fueding between political parties. There was some personal stuff thrown in there, but by all accounts this was a clash of ideologies. This is to say that we are living in a universe where such things are ‘fixed’. There will always be ideological tension that rises to the level of murder. As I reflect on Burr’s victory I am at once drawn to the stories of Orson Scott Card who , in his own way, really tried to perform a deeper analysis of the phenomenon.
2. Interesting report on Jennicam, one of the earliest versions of webcam life and for a while one of the most successful. Worth the listen.
3. It feels really good to just sit down in front of a computer and write. I feel like I’ve been pulled in so many directions lately that I have lost track of the action that has brought me joy since I could first hold a pencil. This isn’t just what I do, it is how I exist in the world.
4. At some point I’m going to have to clear my head and get back to being that person I love being, am capable of being, and who downright rocks the Casbah.