Suddenly you just quit.
You’ve had enough. That is enough of being a single dad, of being a son–all of it. You just tap out and say, “I’m done.”
Except you can’t quit because you don’t have that kind of job. You have the lifelong kind, the kind where people are going to beat up on you and demand everything and leave nothing. So instead you keep going and you lose that very important idea of who you are and what your needs are in sacrifice for everyone else’s shit. You think that is easier, but it isn’t because the shit continues to pile and, at least for this one day everyone once a piece. Everyone decides that no matter how pressing anything else is in the world, the stuff they need from you right that very second is more important. There is no such thing as a back burner for you. They expect it will be handled post haste.
So what if you don’t? Well that depends on who they are. It could be tears, it could be threats, it could be passive aggressive nonsense, it could be court dates. It could be a great many things because they don’t actually care to stop and consider what is up with you or how tired or run down or drained or overwhelmed you are. They just care that their needs aren’t being met.
I have created a life for myself that exists in days. There are days things are nice and simple and fun. There are days where the world catches fire and I can’t stop it all from burning. I didn’t realize how much of an issue this was until I realized that I had stopped even looking at weeks as something that existed. Its Friday then Saturday and so on.
This is clearly no way to live and I refuse to stay on the roller coaster much longer. I sacrifice a lot for the people I love. While I don’t for one second expect them to ever notice, I do need to start expecting a moment or two each day to breathe. I can guess what you are thinking: You get 10 every day! Indeed, but there is something to be said about being bombarded. It means the time and energy you can devote to your ten minutes of you time is largely spent struggling to crawl back from the brink of a stroke.
I’m not saying my life is a total nightmare. I am saying my life is not mine. It belongs to the people in my life and sometimes, if i’m lucky, they let me live it. Tomorrow I intend to escape and live that life, if only for a few sunlit days.