What matters are the people who love you and the ones you love back. All too often we are caught up in the cycle of power and success and wealth and envy and greed and anger and hurt. All of that is part of life. Still, life is about giving and receiving love in any way possible. Lately I have been struggling with the conundrum of creating a life with the woman I love. This is made more difficult by the fact that the life I live is likely incompatible with anyone. I’m not very good to myself. I am a candle at both ends kind of guy who, sadly, was not expecting life past 60. I just push too hard and maintain too little for that to be a reality.
Plus ca change.
I’m eating vitamins and one day soon I’ll get serious about the gym. In the meanwhile I am getting serious about my finances and serious about my writing. It is all a part of that life we want to forge together. However, change is really hard. There are parts of my old life that I feel like are making actual headway in terms of that old standard stuff–respect, power, position, etc. While it matters to me so much less there is a kind of muscle memory that wants to see it completed and wants to see me pursue some of these goals to the end. I think maybe the concept of ‘the end’ should really be more of a ‘next act’ sort of thing, if I can wrap my mind around that. For example, I don’t think I will be coaching city league sports in this town anymore. Still I would not mind a ‘farewell’ season to know that I took the kids to a good level and left them better than I got them. How much of that is selfishness? I don’t know.
The more things change is what I said before. The second part of that, plus ca meme chose, is the more things stay the same. It all lies in the interpretation. I coach, I write, I work hard at teaching all as a way to give and receive love, so whatever I do in my next stage will be to give and receive love as well. Only this time I might try and give a little bit more to myself.