I spent a great deal of my life wondering whether or not I mattered to people and actively trying to matter. I am not talking about, ‘what legacy will you leave’ mattering. I mean day to day, I benefit from having him in my life sort of mattering. Yes, this does sound like a God complex, but the truth is more…complex.. than that. This mattering need was grounded in a sense of not mattering and not being appreciated in any real way–especially by the women in my life. Because I did not matter in a significant way in my personal life (from childhood), I wanted to reach out into the world and build that layer of family around me, so that I could make up for all the years I did not feel that in my own life.
Mattering can be burdensome. You stretch yourself thin trying to be of value to everyone. I wound up overextended and often guilty of letting people down. I can honestly say that I matter–actually matter–to but a handful of individuals these days. I count my girlfriend, my kids, her kids, and my adoptive family as the ones who would be affected if I were suddenly erased from the planet. Others would take note and perhaps shed a reflective tear, but the circle of matter is very small. The cosmos would not ripple at my passing and that no longer leaves me sad. See, when you focus on less you can give that less much more, and I feel like I do so now.