It occurs to me that I don’t have terribly long to live. I might have five minutes, five years, or fifty years. What is true is that there is a finality coming–what Charles Stross calls a Halting State. It still scares me sometimes. What bothers me more than scares me is how much I feel like I am squandering the time I have left. This isn’t about playing video games or watching bad TV. This is about a failure to break the habits that have me stuck in a cycle of mediocrity. As Jay-Z once quipped to a producer, “You’re wasting your talent!” Indeed I can feel the skills atrophy. It is clear the quality of my skills and even intelligence have dipped precipitously. I see this even more now that I’m in a position to motivate my kids to be successful and fail to do so. I once argued that I could, with proper lead time, teach any subject matter at the 100 college level. Now I’m questioning my ability to successfully teach the stuff I’m paid to. This confidence drop off is tied to the spottiness of the blog and a host of other concerns that have me spending more time worrying than thinking.
The weight of the life can really wear on you–especially if you worry about situations you cannot really control. The thing I need to learn and remember is to deal with the things I can change and create the best situation for me.