2.255. Everyday Struggles

I’m having a birthday soon. It represents another year, another turn of the screw, another flip of another page in a life that is filled with amazing stretches of luck, activity, lost opportunities, loves, mishaps, and all of the other things that color life. I am grateful for the life that I’ve lived. In truth if death is simply the looped play of one’s life, I am blessed with a number of great hits on my mixtape. Last night I woke up shuddering. I can describe that feeling no other way. I’d fallen asleep watching TV and when I came to I was shaking. It wasn’t cold or any temperature thing, but a sensation or a realization of the fragility of life. I have those moments from time to time and they can lead to bouts of extreme darkness as I realize that one day there will be no further realizations or memories to be made. Other times I am more reflective. I am filled with the joy of knowing that I have lived well. I have raised my kids to be good humans, and I have lived well.

 

I am also not dead.

 

In truth I feel like I am living well now. I am trying to be of good health. I am focused on my writing more than I have been since graduate school. The plans for everything else in my life seem more realistic and obtainable (if slow moving). All is light mingled with a dappling of shadow. There can be no light without the existence of shadow, so I welcome what may come.

 

Perhaps some of this is reflective of the Buddhist meditations I fall into on occasion. I’m not a devout Buddhist. I choose to step off the fivefold path on most days, but hold it very clearly in my sight. That is perhaps all a person can do is to keep sight of what matters and what should be and constantly work to be the best version of themselves. I’m still working. I’m still struggling every day.

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