I went off to spend a little time by myself. I didn’t think about being productive or playing games or reflecting on life. In reality I just went off to be alone and see what comes of it. What did come of it was a bit of all of the above. I was reflective, especially about why I needed alone time. I did play games–somewhat out of habit and somewhat out of a desire to check out of this world and into those familiar worlds where I had that specific kind of power and joy. I was also productive but not as productive as I have been as of late. All of it came down to finding my way back to that soft reset and moving forward from there.
I’ve been feeling a bit out of control lately. Not in the sense of careening and craziness but instead more in the sense of the loss of executive function. I don’t make decisions anymore. I tend to simply rely on the choices of others or do, largely what others want to do, or just sit there dumbly and adhere to whatever comes up on a TV screen. It is in this latter fashion that I wound up watching Kingsman: The Golden Circle. Of course, once I started I made an effort to see it through, even though it wasn’t worth seeing and caused more problems in my life than it was worth (Causing any problem is more than value of that film). I don’t make choices because of a number of reasons. For one I’ve come to feel like the happiness of others is worth more than my own. For another I have anxiety about causing rifts in my relationship so I’ve started to think in the ‘go along to get along’ mode, which is not very healthy. Lastly, I have not felt that the things I value are valued by the people around me, which makes me extremely hesitant to voice opinions, because it feels like the opinions/choices/etc. will only be further devalued.
None of this feels intentional by the half-dozen or so people in my life. I do not blame them. I don’t feel like this is a blame situation. I do feel like I haven’t been fully and consciously aware of this and as a result I needed to have a soft reset. I needed to get back executive function.