Residual numbness on the right side of my body from sitting in one spot too long is a grim reminder that my body is not right. It is not in shape. It–I–am not healthy. I am trying more now than I have in a long time. I have a great deal to live for, even if there are moments of sadness when I forget such things. There is a lot on my mind these days. Primarily I am concerned with success and good living. I am concerned with my success and that of those around me in addition to good living.
I think part of the reason my marriage failed is because my ex didn’t really want to have any sort of career and I wanted her to. I did not want it for any sense of accomplishment or sense that I was married to a powerful woman or what variation of that theme she suspected. No, I just wanted to be able to feel like I was not the only one out there contributing to the life and the household. I did not fully appreciate or recognize the stuff she did at home, but even now I don’t feel it was enough. If you are a stay at home mom, then why are the kids in daycare? Beyond that, we just could not afford to live as we wanted on my salary alone. That was just a fact. There was some truth to her suspicions that I wanted more for her. I wanted her to feel happy and successful. However, I didn’t know what that meant to her and created my own assumptions, which were clearly wrong.
I bring this up because I am in a different space mentally. I’ve decided that I am far too invested in helping my kids determine their own success. I especially feel that way about the young lady I call my daughter, who reminds me of my ex in her unwillingness to move past what I see as a basic and largely benign existence. It has bugged me in the past, but it isn’t my life and doesn’t unnecessarily drain my life, so do you. I gotta find the mental energy to do me.
The same is true for the boys. They have goals, which may only be temporary but are their goals. I am working to support them. I intend to work in that manor to the extent that it doesn’t unnecessarily drain my life. Again, I gotta do me. I’m trying that now, perhaps for the first time in a long time.
It feels fulfilling.