and I am shook.
The idea (in my head) was to expand the space so that we had room for all of the kids under one… complex? Indeed the entirety of the thing has become quite complex, because it exposed some deep rot in the familial relationship. In short, I am a very bad partner. I have driven all of the choices and lifestyle of my relationship basically since the beginning. My partner, loyal as she is, has been a passenger forced to change so much about her life and goals as I blindly pursue the tenets of my own happiness. This purchase feels like yet another thing I have done for the furtherment of my goals without and lasting consideration of her personage in all of it.
I was trying to blend a family, but I never stopped to ask anyone if they wanted to be blended. In fact, I still haven’t. That talk will come tomorrow and will start from the top with she and I. As a result of my bullheadedness, I have exposed the deeper truths of who I am and the relationship I torpedoed.
Here’s the thing: I don’t litigate these things on the web. I don’t offer up the deep personal stuff about anyone but myself because I don’t feel I have permission to speak to their stuff. So, this winds up feeling like it is once again about me. It is, to an extent. It is about what I’ve failed at. I already failed at a relationship with one of my partner’s kids. We have not spoken six words to each other for weeks and based on the way I am treated as though I do not exist, it feels like we will never speak again. So, that’s another one in the column of world’s worst Dad. It sucks more because I feel like it drives more space between my partner and I at a time where I’m already exposed as being truly trash.
I am less worried about it ending with her than I am about it staying this terrible way forever. We are both too much in love to let go and I am grateful for that, because it gives me space to improve. That is part of what commitment is about. The other part is improving for your partner and really being there to listen and to, well, be a partner. It all sounds like platitudes until I actually do it.