Sitting here watching the morning’s ocean I am stuck wondering what I am doing with my life. I exist as a series of contradictions. My partner is a woman born of hard and fast music (punk rock) but exists in a very slowed, focused, and relaxed bubble of life. I am born of slow jams and exist in a bubble of overworked, overexcited, and jargon-driven madness. It is only when I am loaded up on coffee and staring at the horizon that any of it seems to balance out. Perhaps that is the issue–balance.
I watch the people moving to and from the beach in the mornings and I wonder what sort of lives they lead. Do they come and surf before work, put in the hours, and then come back to surf again? Is the beach their center? What is my center? What is my goal? The only sensation I tend to return to is overstimulation. I binge. Be it on TV or audiobooks or videogames, etc. Even sex for me is a rush of energy and excitement sustained for as long as possible followed by perhaps a day of refraction. I go all into everything I do, which feels at odds with the idea of being a jack of all trades, as I have expressed in the past.
In short, I feel this beach experience has allowed me to recognize some things about my life that are problematic and as a result start to sort some of that stuff out. It is very difficult to exist in this mental and physical space which is so fundamentally different than how I, long ago, decided life was to be lived. I do have a great deal of mental restructuring that needs to be done in order to become the person I want to be. However I need to decide to commit to that pursuit of first understanding who that person is and what ultimately will make me happy and how to balance that against the reality of the life I live and choose to lead from this moment on.
What matters is more important right now than deciding what matters most. I believe that is a key starting point in working towards a future that both satisfies and enriches me. If I feel satisfied and enriched I will be a better partner and less of an enraged soul.
Some Thoughts:
- Last of the football drafts in a little over an hour. I am writing this down right now primarily to remember that it is happening.
- I also need to write more. Much much more.