Month: August 2024

Harrison drove slowly down the US60 highway. He paid little mind to the cars honking and whizzing around him at this early hour. It wasn’t quite 6AM. The sun barely touched the edge of the horizon, yet somehow his driving the posted speed limit of 65 mile per hour was, to everyone he shared the road with, some manner of sin. A blue Altima slid up alongside him, the driver pausing to stare at him in curiosity before flooring the accelerator and disappearing off ahead. It was like this every morning, and every morning he would hear about a major accident, often a fatality. He asked himself why people put themselves at risk in this way. It wasn’t like they wanted to be at work. Harrison Lee did not know a single person who wanted to be at work.

He wanted to be at work. He enjoyed the process of getting there, in spite of those who attempted to sully that process. He enjoyed making it in to the office at precisely 7:09 and setting up the machine for his first cup of coffee. He relished at settling behind his desk, pausing to take a deep breath, and then writing out the list of activities he would see to accomplish that day. His co-workers found his habit positively frustrating. “You don’t even start till 8. Why get here so early?”

Harrison would laugh and say, “I’m not much for rushing around. I take the time to enjoy where I am going and where I am at.”

That was often enough to end the conversation.

I spent the week waiting to see my kid finally suit up as a college player. I expected it to be a moment where everyone in the family was excited about it and proud. Not actually what went down. I think it simply reaffirms my understanding of how people react to ambition. For some of us it make us feel part of others success. Some of us see that success as separate from us and, often, foreign in a way that reinforces their downplaying of success. In other words, people will always find something wrong with your success, so you need to decide what kind of people you allow to impact your belief in yourself and in those you believe in.

I watched that translate to the Deion show last night. immediately after the game the haters came out hard about how they suck and winning against a nobody FCS team like the Bison by such a small margin was basically them proving they suck. There is nuance that haters are never willing to accept. People like that–haters–are basically only fulfilled by being negative about everything but the small margin of things that make them happy. Generating negativity itself is what sustains them, while it drowns and disturbs everyone else. Don’t let it rent space in your head.

Really looking forward to this week. I’m excited about the boys taking their next steps as athletes. Drake University’s Freshman Cornerback #31 is ready to take the field. He is at least hopeful to take the field for this first game tomorrow. His little brother has Varsity #16, which is an amazing accomplishment for the 15 year old sophomore. He is following in his brother’s footsteps as a second year starter. While the college kid is playing a DII opponent, the High Schooler is playing a 5A opponent, which is one level lower in terms of school size. Both games are winnable. Both games I feel should be won. We will see what actually transpires. I’m really geeked about the growth both kids have shown and the opportunity both have to be up there at the next level in their development. I am especially hopeful to see the freshman play.

He may not play. He’s been relegated to the scout team as a size/strength issue. He is still performing very well out there in that role and growing his talent. Still he is 17 years old. He needs to put on some size and reach his maturity. There is a lot more he can do/become and to be getting reps at this age at this level of competition (with the Pioneer League Defending division champs) means he has something. Just the other day his coach called him out as being a playmaker on the team podcast. He’s growing and he’s showing. He’ll be playing soon enough.

I have been incredibly introspective over the last few days, but honestly I cannot argue about what. All I know is that I am deep in thought and certain that things are not right without knowing quite how. I am terribly unsettled and feeling as though this fleeting connection I have with my own spirit and spirituality (being the thing that keeps me going and makes me me) is slipping. It is being covered up by an existence that is not at all conducive to a healthy mental state. In other words, I’m not doing very well and have little if nay understanding of how to course correct.

So, as usual, I turn to blogging. Being public about such things is obviously dangerous. Someone will read this (perhaps) and one person or another will weaponize this level of honest introspection to make me look this way or that. I suppose by posting I am saying I am okay with that–okay with people taking their shots. I don’t have the thick skin I once proclaimed, so those shots will also hurt and add to the thick sauce of uncertainty, but I am less worried about that than I am about the inability to course correct.

There is something not right in my life. Several things, actually. It is a daily feeling that I cannot shake or correct. It is beginning to erode the things that are. I’m certain it has to do with my daily routines and those of the people around me and the feelings arising from that. I, like my favorite commercials state, wanna get away. However, running is not the answer. Finding a center in self is. Easier said than done.

It is difficult to explain the monotony of my household. I’ve tried here on this blog on multiple occasions and have failed to truly express the impact it has on my soul time and again. I also believe I have failed to convey this effectively to the person most important to my life. I know this because, in the end, nothing I need to change ever does. So, instead of beating that dead argument to death, I thought I would think and reflect on what it does to me instead, and through that try and realize my own flaws and shortcomings in an attempt to practice the lessons I preached for years in a town near the middle of Iowa. Accept the things I cannot change. Have the courage to change what I can.

So, what is that really? For starters I tend to exist outside of the family structure. I know that I get worn down by the routine. I know the “leisure only” schedule and the manufactured discontent accompanying it is not healthy for me to be around. I sink into what is around me. I see these habits and behaviors and I feel less inclined to work hard. It was a problem as an athlete and is a problem in life: I sink to the level and attitude of who is around me. It is part of what makes me a poor leader. So, I choose avoidance tactics when I need to lock in. I create a bubble and I fill the air of that bubble with determination and purpose driven mana.

I cannot live in that bubble. I need to move through the spaces of the home in order to exist. So, the key then becomes to design a schedule where I can lock in and then leisure. I need to recognize when I can and cannot engage and as a result be and remain focused on what truly counts: staying in the flow state.

Some Thoughts:

1. My Drake freshman son was relegated to the practice squad. More on that Wednesday.

I don’t have a whole lot. Just…

Some Thoughts:

1. Coach Prime never won a High School championship. This man with all his talents never won at the High School or college level. He did get it done as a pro. He did get that talent around him.
2. Speaking of Prime, there is a ton of anger surrounding the choice of the program to not take questions from Sean Keeler. Well, I am glad he did it. I am glad he stood on business. Keeler is in the business of writing negative opinions about the program and about Prime in particular. He’s done nothing but negative hit jobs–every single article has been that way. Why should they continue leaving the door open to that level of negativity? What is the value of allowing that? I know the real argument is banning in general, but you have to recognize situation and nuance. The responses to the ban are not showing nuance and are certainly not looking at Keeler’s body of work. They just see a reporter being banned and call it bad. Nuance matters.
3. I dislike being in a situation where I cannot rely on having the food I want for the week because the kids done ate it up…

I don’t usually do this on Saturdays, but Giants v. Jets went down earlier and it was a massacre. Six injuries listed including two starting OL. The beating they took was so brutal that at one point Tommy Devito was sacked three times in a row.

The Giants open against the Vikings at Metlife and they can expect some serious blitzing from the Minnesota. They are not capable of handling it and could possibly lose Daniel Jones early on. It could be the best thing that happens to the team. This is the worst OL in football right now, and some serious changes need to come via trades. No more drafting. We need proven OL. In the meanwhile it will be a quick pass game and a ton of runs. I’m counting on 3 wins tops.

The Giants will need to secure a QB for next year and turn things around. Obviously, DJ is not the answer, but there is nobody with mobility left. They could try to get Sanders. There is a shot he falls to the second round following the hype surrounding guys like Dart, Beck, and Ewers–all classic 6’2 – 6’4 white guys who fit the mold of what we still expect an NFL QB to look like. Sadly it is that nonsense that got Drake Maye a job. I mean when you look at the comps it is always race to race. So few comparisons drift beyond that. it is as if we do not know how to see it any other way…

Facts being what they are, the Giants will likely sell on another tall white dude who will fail at the next level because he doesn’t have the comparative talent around him or isn’t in the right system or blah blah blah. I’m just glad Barkley got out and can go chase a championship.

Malcolm Coleman slowly walked back to the spot he’d settled on near the window. The name of the place, Coffee Canvas, were etched in fat black letters on the glass. Malcolm reveled in going to new coffee spots.

His first cup at a new place was always black. He believed drinking the coffee the way it was brewed, without sweeteners or milk, told him all he needed to know about a local shop. The second cup could be doctored. That would share a different secret about the place he sat.

He remembered a time where he could learn all he needed to know about a neighborhood by the local coffee shop. How it was set up said things about the community. These days it was Starbucks on every third corner, and one of the smaller chains fighting for the spaces in between. He supposed he could still learn something at those places. The kids supposedly all went to Dutch Bros now, gathering outside and around the building as if it were another schoolyard. He could watch, albeit from a distance, and learn about the place. However, staring at kids at a chain coffee shop felt as creepy as it sounded. So, he avoided the concept entirely. He stuck to the neighborhoods that had authentic setups. Those were fewer and farther between. Even less existed in a space where there wasn’t a ‘Bucks nearby.

He raised the ceramic cup to his lips and sipped in the thin black liquid. It wasn’t nearly as strong as the brew name, Jack’s Been Up Late, would suggest. He swished it around, feeling out the flavor of the brew. As he sipped he kept his eyes on the window. He watched the people passing by. In the mirage reflections of the glass he watched the people inside as well.

Some Thoughts:

1. I had this thought about Malcolm this morning. I don’t know who he is or what he deal is, but this coffee stuff just appeared alongside him. It is possible I am starting to reconnect to story after all of these years. It is happening very slowly, but I can see the threads forming. It feels like watching one of those wildlife cameras they leave on and the days move by quickly, but the spot you are focused on changes ever so slightly, and ever so slowly.

I don’t know where my life goes next. I’m in the semester now. I’m moving from what I want to be doing to what I need to be doing and trying to find a way to develop a balance between the two. So far, not so far. I keep coming back to that idea of a spine and thinking about how poorly I cultivated that in most of my kids. I mean to at least show them that through action now and I am working towards being consistent about it. So I need to make that my goal for the semester: Show a Spine. Make them realize the things that matter to me and what it takes to get there. Maybe it will take?

Some Thoughts:

1. First Super Bowl of my Madden 25 run. Fun stuff. Rebuilt the G-men from the ground up. Simmed year one (this year) and somehow went 8-9. Still fired everyone and brought in Demeco Ryans and a new set of coordinators and drafted a QB. Kid wins NFC OROY, we go 16-1. Now we in the show. I love how great things can go if it’s not real.
2. Week one of classes is in the book and I have a ton of grading to do. I set things up to allow for a grading day. I mean to get that going here this next week and am I trying to put together a routine that works and helps me do the things I need to do as a well as making space for the wants after. The key there is separating wants and needs.

Listening to Coach Prime motivate his team makes me understand more and more about why some people make it and others do not. There’s a spine in everything you do or you do nothing. When I was a young walk-on at Iowa State back in the 90’s I had no spine. I thought I was good. Heck, I thought I was him. Then I watched running backs and even my damn QB move faster than I could. I watched Wrs block better. I watched coaches look past me and, eventually, say why don’t you bulk to Tight End. I didn’t want to do it. In fact, I didn’t do it. I wound up off the squad. I wound up losing everything I thought I was completely about and it didn’t hurt nearly as much as it should have because I wasn’t about anything. I spent decades chasing after it long after the fact. I spent thirty thirsty years trying to make up for what I didn’t do–what I did not have in my prime. It absolutely sucked. It shaped so much of my life to not have that spine when I was young. If I could — If life allowed you to reshape your own realities and get second chances– I would go back and change that. I would devote and develop myself to that. I would’ve finished that story.

But it didn’t happen. For a while I tried to make it happen through my kids. I shepherded them into football. Now I have a kid playing a Drake and he wants it. He wants more, and he has the mindset to get it. I have a kid fighting for Varsity reps as a 15 year old. I don’t know if his mind is right yet, but he feels to me closer to me than he is to his brother who is at that next level. So, instead of trying to make it happen for him I have refocused on helping him understand why it didn’t happen for me. That way he can decide and make his own choices.