This day has been a complete dumpster fire from start to finish and I feel like if I was hit by a sack of flying cockroaches it would clearly be an improvement. admittedly I am exaggerating a bit, but things have gone quite badly. To wit: I came upon the realization that wrecking my computer and losing that novella a year ago did no just mean I lost the novella. I lost all of the files on that computer and among that means stuff I have been gathering for years. This includes my transcripts, etc. All of the things one need to apply for professional academic work are gone. Now I have to find these relics and have the long conversations with middle men and registrars etc. I really do not want to have.
Oh and I have a 3rd kid injured.
Oh and his football team is dog crap.
Oh and my partner thinks I am dog crap and I never see us as a we and I am really just not telling people about this relationship for some reason.
I don’t have any good news. In truth the one thing I learned from today is to not talk to people. I am better off staying socially distanced from everyone because it will allow me to avoid creating problems for the one person that matters. Even if they think I don’t listen or that what they say and ask matter.
Frankly, this is for the best. I’ve grown extremely tired of relationships and human contact. I am so tired of the metronome of love and pain and feeling like the moment things go really well for a few hours or days that the world is going to spit a nasty green loogie in my sandwich and turn it into a sad-which. I am tired of being right about that happening every single time. I’ve reached to the point where feeling good and happy absolutely terrifies me, because I am waiting for the ball to be pulled away like I’m Charlie Brown and Lucy is just waiting to snatch it away from me and I keep on falling for it every single time, because there is no life without that opportunity to feel like things are going to be okay.
They aren’t though.