An evening in the woods is supposed to be an opportunity to escape from the doldrums of daily life and to reconnect with the beauty and majesty of nature. It can also be an opportunity to reconnect with yourself; to see yourself for who you are in this moment to slow down and stop and take account. I did that. I am not pleased with the man I found.
For much of the length of my marriage I supplemented. This is not to say I cheated on my ex wife, but instead I had inappropriate relationships of various types. I had work wives and weird friendships that fulfilled me in different ways. I had relationships, mostly with women, that made me feel like someone cared about me, that someone found me attractive, and that someone found value in what I had to say.
These relationships continued beyond my marriage, and when I found a single person who filled all of these important roles in my life it created real and lasting conflict. I did not immediately end these other relationships. Most of these were work friendships and ending them in any vocal way felt too difficult to approach. So I took the coward’s route. I just stopped talking to them. I let the tension of me having a partner fall on my partner. It was not fair of me. I should have just told these people that things needed to change in how we interact because I didn’t need that stuff–those roles–in my life. But I did not ever say that. I did not ever make any real effort to show my partner that she came first. As a result years of pain and suffering followed and continue to this day. The fact remains that I am and have always been a coward. I have always been afraid of those type of social confrontations and not knowing how to act. I’ve always been better off when things were left unsaid.
I am so disappointed in myself and the man I allowed myself to become. Roland Deschain would say, “I have forgotten the face of my father” and perhaps I have forgotten the face of the man I intended to be. I intend to approach the rest of my long days with more honesty and a foot towards a future where I can feel like my partner can trust me and trust that everyone knows that it is about her and only her.