Soon, hopefully, I can start version 5. I need to turn the page on 4. Somewhere around the early hundreds it deteriorated into what basically amounts to a poopfest of writing failures. This happened in a time of success that was marred by a terrible losing battle with depression. Of course, the battle isn’t over, but the battlefield is littered with wasted blogs, fractured relationships, and despair.
I can tell I am not in the best state of mind, because it is 4 am, I am awake, and all I can think about is the idea of some terrifying man walking up to my well lit front door and staring at me through the glass panes. Perhaps I am finally shifting over to being a horror writer. More likely this is a manifestation of my growing anxiety in life.
I’m anxious because nothing appears to be going well. It feels like the word deterioration. I have lost a great deal of my creative spark, in fact all of it when it comes to life beyond the page. I cannot remember the last time I had a good idea about my romantic life, home design; anything really. This is coupled with the growing realization that I have acute memory loss. More often than not the people closest to me discuss moments and conversations that I was a part of that I have no recollection of being involved with.
And still there is the idea of that man at my window at 4 am. That is vivid enough. He has tousled brown hair that hangs over his forehead. It is more stringy than styled. His eyes are bloodshot; his skin veiny. He has bumps on his face. He peers through the side glass and the arc of glass at the top of the window. He touches the glass with his dirty hands and his fingernails are flecked with red paint. He sees me. He is looking directly at me. I don’t know what he wants.
So there is that. Is this what it feels like to slowly descend into madness? Is it the fatigue? The inability to sleep? The rough collection of life events piling up on me like waves breaking against the sand again and again until the sand itself slips quietly into the darkness of the ocean.
I’m tired. So very tired.