I find myself in the unenviable position of trying to design a post-parent life while still raising two kids and having two others who simply will not leave home on their own. It is a difficult path to navigate, because my partner has been parenting for 23 years and she deserves a damn break. She is long past the inconsistency of children and the often random needs that arrive on a daily basis. I, on the other hand, feel like I am supposed to be down in the dirt with these last two (13 and 15) for a few more years. Ultimately I believe it comes down to a state of mind in which I personally need to recognize that the role I am filling as a parent right now is not helping anyone and is, in truth, holding everyone back.
Post-child life is supposed to be a clear path, but I can’t sleep half the time because my mind wanders into this minefield. To begin, I am really largely a sports dad. My role has been to help the kids become very good student-athletes and specifically to nurture the athlete side of the equation. In the early years I helped them explore their passions–all of their passions. Now I mostly make sure they are getting good grades and are staying up on their training. Otherwise I keep them stocked with video games, have the occasional real conversation about life, and make sure they get delivered to school, practice, etc. Is that parenting? In a sense. Would it be better for me to just leave and have a relationship where they visit on holidays? Well, no, because that would detract from their sports life. The problem with sports is that the sports don’t end. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall… all of it is in-season or off-season training. Kids today get a few weeks off as the expectation is that they will be available for practice and those who are there on the field are the ones who get ahead, so I’ve set them up to need to be there. Unfortunately for me that means not being with me should I move away. So, that remains an obstacle in developing a post-parent life of a particular sort.
The path is further muddied by having kids who still live at home. My partner and I disagree on this. For me, however, having kids at home means having a home dominated by kids and constantly cleaning up after kids and orbiting their universe. Whereas if we had our own home and they had their kid-house it would change the way I see the living conditions. We would have our own space and our own privacy and our own life and we could drop in on them at our choosing. Is that parenting? It is a version of what I am doing now, so there is that.