I think this is what a mid-life crisis feels like. Supposedly I’m in the window–40-60. I also feel like I am at the beginning of the crisis when I am recognizing this existential dread of knowing there is an end coming (before your thirties I don’t think you can really fall into that understanding without some major medical crisis) and I am not done with living or even have lived nearly enough. I am seeking body change as a start. I am seeking a way of extending the time on the clock as much as possible, because I want to live more life and do more things and experience more of this lovely planet. I haven’t quite shucked the idea of living forever, but it feels more and more alien to me nowadays.
I also am truly exhausted by my daily life. I don’t care about the banality of most things. I try to escape into virtual worlds, thus creating a secondary banality I can only tolerate for so long and in so many ways. What I want are experiences that shatter the rote of meetings and people talking in circles or about nothing for hours. I’m rescued by what I teach because I am surrounded by smart and interesting creators. Outside of that space, squat. Seriously, I teach only for the students. I don’t have the cares I used to have for building community with my fellow faculty.
This is all part of that crisis. I need more. I need something else. I need change. I need to be a full time writer and slide into the work every day without the mental distractions that plague me.