10 Minute Rule

I saw local rain for the first time in a long time today. It was unexpected and a wonderful way to break daylight. Every day I am hear in Arizona I learn more about what I want and need out of life and out of my environment. I feel so sharply in juxtapostion with my kids who only want to do enough to have their free time and to watch TV and play video games as much as possible. Perhaps I’m not remembering my 20s all that well right now, but I wanted to spend time among living people and hang and have relationships and learn as much as I could about the world. That didn’t jump to most of my kin.

What did jump is the ability to get lost in worlds. I’m proud of that part. In truth, my goal as a writer is to create worlds that readers get lost in. I want to be able to provide that escape from here to a there that gives them space to think and feel and grow the way I did as a young reader. I don’t know that it must come from one story or one series in particular. I just want to create it for them.

Some Thoughts:

1. Slow words today. I’m scattered.

Another week, another loss. The facts being what they are, I need to go on a 4-game winning streak in the family league just to be in the playoff conversation. In the $$ league, I’m screwed. I am on a 3 game losing streak (in both leagues, actually) and slipping further and further down the list of contenders with no point boost in sight. I lost out on big point players simply by not being patient and cutting them too soon. Now I am in a position where I am struggling to break 60 points in a week. That’s last place vibes. I cannot say there is a light at the end of any tunnel that I see. Heck, I feel like the Giants.

Speaking of teams that don’t do well as of late, Colorado is struggling to change hearts and minds in the hater-verse and a lot of that comes down to the Stanford game and some of the things that have yet to be cleaned up from that game. Is it a talent issue? Yes. Is it a coaching issue? Yes. Will they grow? Yes. The Sean Lewis OC demotion is both troubling and puzzling, but there is something there I think that is salvageable. Hopefully Lewis stays. He’s got gas gas gas.

I don’t need to go back very far into the catalogue to talk about a moment that resonates. I just need to look to Failure Mode. Back at 7.345 I talked about how I was in a state of decline which felt more like a state of depression and hopelessness than anything else. Sadly, this is part of the cycle of my life. I work to get my head above water, then I take a deep breath and start to drown again. I can never quite stay at the surface, because I always have too much happening in my life to feel like I have the space to float and even breathe. Honestly, the sports stuff feels like pile on. There is little truth to the teams I like worsening as a result of my liking. That’s the ego speaking out loud. On an high note, at least I still possess said ego. Often I wonder if it even exists.

I don’t have my crap together. This is a known fact. I can attribute it to lack of balance in some sense, but more realistically the problem revolves around a failure to develop and maintain a healthy schedule that I’ll stick to in every single aspect of my life. I am an indulgent person, and at 48 going on 12, that indulgence does not quit. The facts being what they are, I need to start from zero and move towards a new normal that embraces place, brings focus to what is actually important in my life and brings the time to truly grow as an individual, because failure mode is a clear indication that I have been wilting for too long, and I don’t have the systems in place to nourish me or my home or my family.

What matters in your life? You know it by what you think about first thing in the morning and what lingers on you the entire day. I think about the woman. I think about the words. I think about football. I think about the game I’m playing. I think about what the kids have going on and helping them get to the next step–be it to the good or otherwise. These are the things that consume me on a daily basis. I’m not sure if all of that distills down into a life, like I walked us through yesterday. I want it to. I need to add to it, subtract where needed, find space and balance for all of that to become a steady and stable existence. Take for example this morning. As we are away I reached out to one of the boys who is trying to play seven on seven football. I tried to talk to him about responsibility and make him really think about what he wants and why he is trying to do what he is doing in order to go into things with open eyes and fixed priorities. I think it stuck. Meanwhile the lady talked to one of the other boys about how things are going at the house while we are away and all I thought about was how much work we would therefore need to get done in order to get that place cleaned up again an back on track after a week of everything falling off. On the one hand I think of both those conversations — the one I had and the one I wish I could have as forms of growth. I wish the boys would see tending to the house as a meaningful endeavor. I wish the boy would fix his priorities so that he was looking future forward instead of falling into flashiness and nonsense.

Ultimately, I believe I want them to understand what matters in their lives but also respect what matters to me and work to support what matters to me the way the lady and I work to support what matters to them. That is part of the balance I find missing in our lives. It is about all we give and them not recognizing that need to return that giving in kind. I wouldn’t call it selfishness as much as immaturity and lack of consideration.

I am not a wealthy man. I think that often when I am considering the life I want to live over the second half of this long and wonderful existence. I continue to wonder about responsibilities and desires and what is best for me and my partner in life and the one kid that remains in the fold. Today I learned about the term Persist in Place. It is, in essence, the fundamental problem in my life and thus relationship right now. We (especially I) have not settled into the idea of where we are at. In fact, I openly refuse to reflect on home as home as opposed to the place I live and work. My partner, who is of the PiP mind struggles even more as a result of my open refusal. How can you build a life and a routine if the person who shares that life is actively working against any routine that includes or even focuses on place.

As of late I’ve been on the family plot in Tennessee. As mentioned in previous posts, life is better here. Life is different here. It isn’t just because I don’t spend my hours cleaning up after other people. In fact, the mode here is to willfully clean up after animals who won’t clean up after themselves. This is the way of the land. Yet when left to do these chores for do-nothing kids, it feels rather different and empty.

The main difference is that we are always working towards something. We are always in pursuit of a goal, be it those daily chores or the higher mission of building this second house or preparing for a party or maintaining and even improving the grounds. It is like when I disappear into my minecraft worlds to build something I am proud of, but it is happening in real life.

As I settle in here I am learning more about the concept of settling in and learning that I need to be able to give that a chance in Arizona. I hate where I live, largely because I can find little to no purpose in the space and even less meaning. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It just means I actively refuse to look.

Good to be in the woods celebrating a birthday and veterans day for a vet. It is a good time out here and we are really happy in the space. All good things. Beyond that, I only have…

Some Thoughts:

1. Colorado lost again–by 3 this time. Tough finish for a team that really really needs a win. Here is something I’ve been giving good thought to the last few days: Penn State is an 8-2 team that gets all the hype. They consistently lose divisional games to ranked teams. In Colo’s first year under the new coach and system all but one loss has come to a ranked team. The facts are if the spotlight is brighter, so is the criticism. I do look forward to next year, but it feels like these guys need to make a bowl game and beat a ranked team again in order to be considered a success.
2. Still feel like failure mode is a thing. I mean any team I cheer for immediately implodes. I know it is a perspective and not a truth per say, but it may be that I am just picking losers.

Picking up from this starter here…

Thin on creds, Echo wasn’t looking to drink too much. He was looking to celebrate, be among people, feel like he was part of something again. It wasn’t that life was all that hard for him. He kept a roof over his head most nights. His tongue stayed wet. There was a trideo in his doss loaded with the best programs and newest games. It was that he felt like outdated hardware. Hell, he was–at least he had been until the surgery last week.

Tonight wasn’t all fun though. The bartender slid a shot glass towards him, filled with whisky developed from chemicals supposedly identical to those that arrived at the end of the distillery process. He took it, wistfully eyeing the bottle of the real stuff staring out at him from behind the bar. Maybe if the meet went right he’d get himself a proper shot. That surgery dropped his credit account back to the three digit mark. It’d move to two if he ordered like he wanted to.

“Man’s been sitting back there for ten minutes.” The bartender, a gruff Orc named Paulie, nodded his head towards a lonely table far from the edge of the dancefloor. A man in a crumpled gray suit sat there fidgeting with his commlink. Echo nodded to Paulie and walked over.

Back on the farm and life is instantly more chill here.

There is so much in Arizona that feels like stagnation that any sense of being away from it is freeing. Here I am in touch with nature. Here I feel like everyone is pulling weight and in the same direction. Here I feel free to write, so long as I’ve done enough on the chore front. All of this is reflective of living in an environment where people are creating and building and above all else have a sense of purpose and community. I don’t feel that at home. I have two boys whose community is largely each other. I have another boy who is a community unto himself and yet another whose community exists on his phone and outside the home. None of them help out unless they are forced. None of them are working in the same direction. I could go on about the negatives of the environment, but it is enough to say that life is better here. I don’t feel like I need to hide or feel pulled in a dozen directions or feel like someone is thanklessly demanding my support (which is what a lot of parenting is any way). I get satisfaction from the chores here when I don’t at home. I feel calm and at peace and can find healthy silence when at home I cannot.

Soon my partner and I plan to spend some time at the house without the kids. It will be the first extended (read longer than a few hours) period of time we’ve had the house to ourselves ever. I’m excited to see what the space becomes when it is truly ours for a while. It won’t be like it is out here, because out here is a different world (A wonderful one depending on the season), but it will be something. I’m looking forward to exploring what that something will be.

Some Thoughts:

1. USC looked at my kid for football. They’re saying no right now because of a bad 100m dash time, which is not actually real. His posted score is about a second off what he actually ran. In other words, they gave him someone else’s score. tough break, because that is considered official and it is the only time he’s ever run that event. Some minor investigation would show that his 100 time is markedly slower than his 110 hurdle, meaning it isn’t his time. Sadly, it doesn’t matter in the end. If they want to offer the kid he needs to show a better 100m and soon enough to get the offer.

Sports have gotten so bad for me lately that my only respite is the purity of the Marble League. It feels like any team I like instantly crumbles. Man I can pick a loser. Of course, most of them are NY teams, so that may be a contributing factor, regardless of sport. In terms of fantasy, things have gotten progressively worse. I do not have a consistent player on either of my squads outside of McCaffrey, and with him on a bye last week my money league team combined for 47 points. That is an all time weekly low for me. In other words, I hit rock bottom. At least I hope I did, because I cannot afford to fall lower or further, especially in the family league where I have a Giants-esque lock on last place. So, where do we go from here? I don’t have the answers and honestly I am losing hope. Fast.

Fantasy can be feast or famine. I am trying to trust the process here and hope that the strategy of developing a team with high late season potential will work to my advantage, but I need to make the playoffs for any of this to actually pay off. So far that only seems to be a possibility in half the leagues.

Yeah. I didn’t hit the publish button yesterday. That, friends and fellow writers, is the definition of failure mode. At some point it becomes clear that on some level of the fail you are in fact self sabotaging–either as a result of fear of failure or fear of success. They are very different fears but both arise from the root cause/question of ‘am I actually built for this?’

What does it mean to be ‘built for this?’ I’m not entirely sure about that. I know that when I was forty years younger writing was a gift. I would sit and write for hours, pleased to do so–even though I had video games and other possible distractions. I chose writing over other things. I decided that it was the most important thing despite the fact that I was told by my mother that I possessed zero talent and needed to A) continue acting and B) prepare myself for life as a trash man where I could reap the benefits of government work. Built for this means that you are going to sit in a spot for a few hours (longer than this ten minute rule) and write no matter what. You are going to dedicate yourself to the cause daily and when the words don’t come you’re going to sit it out anyway. It means that you are going to put yourself out there. You are going to show people what you have to say, regardless of how that work–that message–is received. It means you have a message to share/somethign to say, even if you don’t know what that is. Perhaps the not knowing is where the cracks first start to show.

What if I don’t have anything to say? What if I am not good enough? What if I can’t find the time? What if…?

These are valid and true concerns for writers. All of us experience doubt. Not all of us handle it the same way or even well. I am a patchwork of successes and failures. I am often a sham of confidence. All of that builds up to me stalling and stalling until I am hours away from a deadline and then, hopefully, pumping out what passes asa. draft. That does, on the most basic level, define me as a bad (form) writer. Yet it also defines me as a writer. In other words, it doesn’t matter if I am built for it or not. I’m here. I’m doing it. Now I need to keep doing it and believe in my ability. This is how I talk myself out of failure mode–by trusting the process. Heck, maybe it is time I invented a better process to help minimize failure mode entirely.