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I was thinking about what to write about tonight when the sleep bug hit me again. I started to ‘fuzz out’ unable to really get a real sense of what I was doing; unable to hold a lasting thread of consciousness. That has been happening more and more and is a core contributor to the recent slate of bad blogs. Excuses, I know. About as useful as something unspeakable placed on your elbow. Still, there is a bit of truth to doing bad work when you’re in a bad headspace.

So for me that comes down to using uncontrolled substances. I abuse caffeine regularly. My ‘night cup’ is what allows me to stay aware enough to get through ten minutes of writing each night. Nine minutes into this blog ad I still haven’t found a point.

Maybe that is the point. We all know by now that I cannot do this when I am tired.

I think I’m starting to understand the Trump movement a bit more. If you consider his primary demographic, it is white males aged 45+ and usually not college educated. That correlates with a certain idea of privilege, American bravado, so-called straight talk, and ideology. This is the core group of people who believe the greatest generation already was born and died. At the same time there is a upswell of voters who are the younger polar opposite of that demographic who have been powering the Bernie Sanders campaign to close wins and losses across the states.

The rest of us sit in the middle, content to vote for someone we know and expect to have a nuanced understanding of the national and international political situation.

These powerful opposing forces I mentioned will need to go head to head to answer that question of ‘where and what is America?’ and ‘How do we make America strong again?’

Some Thoughts:

1. I started to trail off at the end there, losing time and consciousness. Late blogs, man…

My friend Dawn just threw an epic party for her son. She is not the first mom to straight up kill it with some activity or design or something spectacular for her kid. at this point it has become fairly commonplace that these moms are gonna crush it and make their kids’ lives amazing. Me, I do what I can, but frankly I wasn’t raised that way and I often feel ill equipped to be as amazing and productive as the people who I watch in awe. Still, this isn’t that blog. This isn’t going to be a sad sappy tale about how I cannot do great things for my kids or even the opposite, a wonder strewn story about how I’m going to do this, that, and the other thing. No, this is a different kind of blog–the kind of blog Bob Smith would be really in to. This is about accepting what can be done and what cannot.

There are a handful of things I’ve come to recognize as truth. (1) This place makes me stagnant. I’m speaking of the state, but given the legalities and pension tying me here, I cannot go anywhere, nor will I be abandoning my given profession anytime soon. So, this place has to have a more focused meaning. In other words, I mean the home. (2) I’ve accumulated a lot of stuff because I don’t pay a lot of attention to what I have or even what I want. Yeah, first world problems are rampant. (3) I don’t really do enough to remind my kids what being a good person is all about.

All three things are reasonable changes. I can change addresses or at the very least make some changes to the home that prevent me from being stagnant. This is reasonable and easy. I can’t afford to move, but I can afford to cut back on a lot of the things that keep me trapped here. That in of itself creates a sense of urgency that could snap me out of this middle class wealth coma. As far as the stuff goes, I’ve been reading Marie Kondo’s book on tidying up. She seems to be aware that everyone has too much and I’ve already started planning time and space to declutter. Finally, the last part is the hardest. I think it means telling my kids more about my life and what I do. It means peeling them off the video games and putting them in a book. It means playing outside and teaching them a jump shot. It means being 100% present, which I rarely am. For anyone.

I won’t just do that last bit for them. That last bit is the key. It is what separates people we think are fantastic from people we think are false. Being present is everything I want to do and be composed in a single instant. That’s ground zero for being the best version of me.

It might lead to better blogging too.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. I’m pretty certain my blog posts are highly reflective of my headspace.
2. Ever wake up and realize you’re not doing enough with your life? I prefer to call that Saturday.

I stumbled upon Sarah Schecter’s twitter feed and was pleasantly surprised. She has that chill and perceptive cool about her that is common among a particular flavor of creative–the kind I like. Schecter is a heavy (read: executive producer) for Greg Berlanti’s epic film house. They are putting out all of the DC stuff and other shows like The Mysteries of Laura as well. Add it up and I’m starting to see evidence of a rising group of Hollywood producers whose brand of TV just works.

For a while it was Orci who ran things but the Berlanti contingent, with Lence and Schecter carryoing the torch, is doing some excellent things for TV. Did I mention they do Blindspot too?

 

Some Thoughts:

1. Watching Dr. Carson in the town hall reminds me that people still don’t understand what welfare is or how it is applied. Also don’t think he really answers the questions being asked, which makes him human and a politician after all.
2. The lines that he clearly expected to be applause lines, were not and that is a format restriction. His big ideas are legit and strangely democratic…
3. The world is not more dangerous than it was prior to 9/11. The media is more prevalent and screams more, but the actual dangers aren’t greater. Lately people have pointed to the San Bernadino attacks as proof that things are in the shitter, but I’ve been aware of multiple religion-based shootings every year.

Drained. The back is in good enough shape to walk around campus and be productive, but it wears on me. I’m at that point now where I just need a lot of rest. Thoughts and sleep.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. The NBA trade deadline came and went. Nothing of note happened.
2. The makers of Dawn of Justice really need to find a way to explain the Bat’s effectiveness against Supe. Short of actually having kryptonite, there is no way he can battle Supe on Earth.
3. Wrestling’s Vince McMahon is a megalomanic jerkface. He suspended one of the most beloved figures in the industry for 90 days for grabbing his arm. That’s all the dude did. He grabbed his arm in a non threatening manner. I guess you don’t touch the boss.
4. My kid is starting track. That means being at school at 6 AM. That’s a hell of a drive for me to get him to school. I need a plan B.

Having trouble putting thoughts together tonight. I’m listening to Marco Rubio drone on and it is seriously robbing my consciousness. On the upside, this is the most forthcoming I’ve heard Rubio be and, though he is completely full of crap, his brand of poo is of a much better and reasonable quality than the stuff served up by our front runners. I’m legit worried about a Trump presidency, because I don’t think the man is interested in nuance. He wants the world to work his way–even if the world doesn’t entirely agree with American bravado.

Rubio is talking about football now. He’s a coach and at least we have that in common. We also agree that EDM has musical value, but he’s never been to a rave, because the dude seems to feel that raves are inherently negative things. That there is the end of the similarities.

And likely the end of my interest in the Republican candidates. That leaves me thinking about Hillary, Bernie, and Bloomberg (who may still jump in as an independent). I’m not sure where I want to go on the Dem’s side. I think Hillary has a history and a way with international interests that could be super effective for us. On the other hand, I like Bernie Sanders. He has innovative ideas and might be the kind of dude who is willing to take chances for a big payoff.

Some Thoughts:

1. This is absolutely not the blog I set out to write, but Rubio’s voice really did suck out my conscious thought–especially when he (and his ilk) drone on about Reagan as if the dude was the most important president ever.
2. Ted Cruz is described by his friends as an asshole. The people who work for him are the same kind of people. The dude runs an unscrupulous campaign and dances around the law, waving his twenty years of law work as proof that he knows whats up.

There was a time when I would play at least one game of Madden or a shooter like Mass Effect every day. It was on my to do list–when I even had a to do list–as a priority. I enjoyed it. It was nothing like real football, and maybe that was the larger part of the joy. I could disappear down the rabbit hole of this digital world and just be lost for as long as I chose. Not only was I lost, but I was lost and super successful in my alternate world. As I took on more responsibilities as a professional I started to lose those precious Madden hours. I lost even more to fatherhood and more still as my writing career picked up steam. I learned that prioritizing meant giving up things I enjoy in order to take care of things that needed to get done. It was a lesson I took to heart. After a while taking care of myself became less and less of a priority, until one day I wound up in a bed for twenty hours, because my body wouldn’t let me walk.

Here’s what I learned in that time: I’m overweight because I haven’t bothered to do anything physical in a long time–so long that my back snapped out of place from light exertion. I’m stressed because I listen to haters, worry about what people think, do way too much all the time, and harbor guilt over people and situations that really don’t deserve it. I’m timid because I fail to fall into the people I love and be honest and open and forthcoming 24/7. I’m selfish because I spend to much time angry about not having any time of my own anymore. I’m unsettled because I am constantly bombarded by messages and people telling me to grow the hell up.

A famous quote quips that growing up means putting away ‘childish things’. This is inherently stupid. See, the things that make you young and vibrant are those childish things. The stuff that keeps us alive and motivated are the joys in our lives. They may change, but it is ultimately you that ought to be changing them and doing so according to how your tastes evolve. I am not afraid to say I still love video games. I am not afraid to say I still love running around in the park, riding a bike, or playing a pickup game of anything involving a ball with my kids. I am saddened to see that I can hardly do any of that anymore because I’ve put so much stress on my body and soul just trying to live and be successful and fight my way to some form of temporary happiness. I’m convinced the universe talks to each one of us, and the hard-headed ones like me have a hard time listening. Well, I’m listening now. Its high time I got back to loving life and stopped feeling so sorry and stressed out about the responsibilities that come with it.

A lazy monday while I wait for my back to heal. It isn’t healing nearly fast enough and the pain is debilitating. I can handle it, but my range of motion is stupidly small. Surprisingly, stairs are the easiest part of my walking routine. That may be because I’m not expecting to walk fast or move my legs and hips too much in that process.

The best thing about this is that I’m healthy enough today to settle into work mode and get some writing done. Right after…

 

Some Thoughts:

1. Now that the warm glow of Deadpool has faded, I can see one very clear crack in the storyline. So, the love interest is the mutant Copycat. Her history and name are the same, but she seems to possess no powers whatsoever. What’s up with that? Also, Angel Dust is actually Arclight. Just saying.. Finally, if you go then you MUST stay for the after credits scene. Worth it.
2. My back is still in bad enough shape that I am going to move my classes around on tuesday to limit the amount of walking I need to do. At least I’m trying to hold classes. That is a goal this semester: no absences. NONE.
3. Another goal is to get myself on track both physically (because reasons) and fiscally.
4. The Michael Brown shooting was found to be a just shooting, which many are touting now as proof that bias doesn’t exist in the police. Now that is just ignorant or easy. The thing is, if this were an isolated incident, it wouldn’t be a big deal. See, the straw that broke the camel’s back isn’t important on its own–even if it wasn’t a straw at all. The straw only matters because of the others that got the camel so weighed down in the first place.
5. I’m watching my son’s cat stalk every shadow, paperclip, and ball in her sightline. She bored.

I love movies. I especially dig comic book movies. The problem I always encounter is that once the origin story happens the movies tend to fall apart. They can’t hold the story together because the characters are all the same and lack any deep appeal. There are two basic character archtypes–Supermen and Batmen. The supers have these powers and want to be moral upstanding people. The bats want to get stuff done. Now as a comic book reader I am well aware of the nuance and the multitude of micro shifts along the scale between those two opposing forces.

Deadpool exists on an entirely different scale.

Wade Wilson, obvious play on Deathstroke’s Slade Wilson, is a merc with a mouth; a sharpshooting, wisecracking, a-hole who has a score to settle. The film digs into his backstory, telling a tale of a Deadpool we wanted while simultaneously erasing the one everyone hated. Both things happened, and without giving away anything I can say that both marvel universes were finally joined. There are obvious element from the Avengers world and as for the X-men world, two of them are in the cast. All of this adds up to a movie that had a lot to deliver and not a lot of minutes to make that a reality.

The film was everything I expected. I cannot find a lot of negative words to share about it. There were so many references to both marvel movie chains that I had to stop counting. To be honest, I had to stop counting because it was distracting me from loving the dialogue. His quips were so perfectly timed and so telling that he could’ve spent the movie rowing across the Bering strait and I would’ve loved that journey.

Deadpool is worth the admission price. In fact, buy popcorn. You’ll want it.

I heard the pop a moment before I felt it. A sound like cracking your neck or popping a knuckle. But this time the sound came from my back where my spine and hips met. I froze them hunched over trying to hoist a pile of orange traffic cones. That’s when the pain hit and I dropped the cones to the ground.

It is hard to predict how people will react to pain. I’ve faced pain all my life and am generally numb to it. This was different. When my back went the pain was fire and the emotional surprise of the moment was far worse. At once I was immobilized, unable to be the kind of parent I love being, unable to be a good partner, a good coach. I was unable to do the most basic thing in my life: walk.

For twenty hours I lay in bed succeeding in no more movement than two crawls to the bathroom. I couldn’t even stand to pee. I’m a proud man and seeing myself so completely broken humbled me and served to remind me that, yeah I’m old and human and I don’t take care of my body at all. Instead I burn the candle at both ends, promising to tend to the health needs once the other problems are dealt with. Only the other problems never end. There is always something to distract from taking care of yourself–if you let it.

There are things I can do better and ways I can be more diligent and effective with my time, but this policy of compartmentalization has led to poor health and even worse management of the soul. I guess the body finally said enough is enough.

I’m listening now. I guess when you’re laid up in bed all you can do is listen.