Day: November 1, 2017

I would argue the American philosophy is built on the principle of having what you do not. We are expected to constantly crave the newest model/upgrade/design. We treat our cars as disposable and our fashions the same. At the very basic level we are taught that what we have now is only temporary until we reach a level that requires new: Starter car, starter house, starter family, starter wife. This predilection for next limits our ability to recognize what is presently in our lives both to positive and negative affect. In other words, we lose sight of the now in hopes of the when.

But what about the now? Buddhism reminds me to remain in the present moment–to breathe in and out and to appreciate that moment I am presently experiencing. Lately there have been few moments of pleasure in the present. When I experience them it lasts an eternity, but when I experience those moments of disquiet, they too have a way of staying past their welcome.

Where I struggle the most is casting my mind forward to the ‘what if’ and to the future. Belief in a better future allows me to remain in the present moment–no matter how painful. But what if there is no better future? What if this is as good as it gets? We must be able to be happy and safe in the now if there is to ever be a later.

You can tell I was in a place of exhaustion yesterday, because I honestly thought it was Sunday night. Imagine my surprise to wake up on a Tuesday. This is how it has been over the past few weeks. I get tired, rundown, and then I keep going. Eventually it catches up with me and I say something pithy like, ‘I’ll sleep when i’m dead’ casually aware of how I am hastening that very event horizon. The facts: now is a lot to deal with and I am starting to crack again under the pressure.

I have a lot going on. There is too much to list here, but compounding work and emotional drama is the longstanding financial reconstruction of my life, which is not going according to plan. Not much is at this juncture and I feel a little out of control. I am struggling to find that one moment’s peace where I can just regroup and start knocking stuff off the list.

There is a very long list. It is incomplete but it is far superior to no list at all. Of course the sheer weight of the thing is enough to keep me sedentary, which it has. As a result everything is slowed and heavier and less able to get done. This tired saps the fight out of me big time, and already being emotionally bereft ain’t helping.