Day: February 13, 2019

I took a moment today to watch happy dog videos as a way to escape the growing stress and disappointment of my daily life. Dogs be happy. Nobody else is. For me the problem is twofold. On the one hand I feel responsible for the happiness of those around me. On the other hand I feed off of the emotions of those around me like an empathic vampire. So in that sense, good vibes in, good vibes out. However, I’ve done very little to promote happiness lately and my own anger towards distant figures in my life (ex wife, mom, certain co-workers) lurks below the surface like a deep geyser ready to blow. To continue this tortured metaphor, happiness is the water that rises and prevents said geyser from being exposed.

That isn’t working anymore. Tide is low… and the metaphor is clearly played out. So, what I need to do is directly confront that anger perhaps in a blog?

So here we are:

I feel like I am the only one working towards bettering my kids in any realistic way. I feel like my co-parent only does what is convenient, easy, and doesn’t require her to risk or waste or otherwise put herself out there. I live out there and it impacts my relationships absolutely. It impacts my life absolutely and causes me endless animosity towards everyone on that ‘side’ of the equation. The fact that there are sides at all is disturbing and holds to a singular fact that I am in the midsts of a fractured existence marked by occasional eruptions as the co-parent blissfully moves through life due to not actually caring about the outcome.

Maybe I ought to not care so much.

The most recent drama involves registration and of course I’m being held responsible for everything. I’m not, nor will I own it anymore. Other people need to be responsible too.

Tonight i sat through a blackout playing cards by candlelight with family and enjoying the moments and reflecting on how much we have become dependent on technology. I’m a slave of sorts to this medium. I don’t know how to act if the blog goes down. I write on some other piece of tech and wait to add the words to this forum. This is how we live now—in total dependence on our modernities to the point where we treat living without them as a hobby activity. Camping, once a way of life, is little more than a chance to disconnect if only partially.

I thought about that tonight and I thought about the lengths parents go to in order to create opportunities for their kids. I believe I do everything I can to give my kids a good life —sometimes at the cost of my own comfort. I know I spend far more cash on each of them than I do on myself. I don’t know if this is a good thing. I do know that I’m the first one they call when things go awry, and usually the only one who answers. I spent time on the phone today trying to help one of mine be able to claim an opportunity that was offered. It requires the other parent to go above and beyond. It isn’t happening. Hardly ever does. In truth I’ve grown so accustomed to it that when that parent manages to step up and do the basic I’m actually surprised that it happened.

I wasn’t surprised today. I was saddened to see my kid hurt and disappointment filling his heart, but it is a lesson he will carry. I carried it myself for years.