Month: October 2019

Long day filled with highs and lows. On the sports front I have to say there was a good amount of disappointment. Both boys played quite a bit but both boys lost their games. This is refreshing in terms of the younger, because that team needed a good beating to get them back to fundamentals and away from swagger. It is a low point for the elder because he got to play a lot for a losing team—one that has only seen victory one time this season. It is a rough season for him in that sense.

So, those are the lows.

There were highs—I promise. I got a ton of grading handled, and that is a high point. There is a ton more (but we are staying high).  My mom is in town and she was able to spend time with my partner, and that was a high. It was nice. It was needed. Family is important to me, and it is important to me that family gets along.

Here is the thing though: Family does not always get along. My mid kid is most like I was growing up. He’s precocious and full of himself and feels like he always deserves a chance to speak his mind and tell his side of the story. It makes my mom hate him as much as she did me as a child. I’ve watched her treat him differently than the other two and do so in a way that makes him feel even more isolated and alone. I felt that for years. I felt blamed and useless and put upon—singled out in only the most negative ways. I wish he didn’t have to feel that in the safety and comfort of his own family but this is how it is. He wants to isolate and protect himself by not being around her. I respect that and I support that. Moving forward I won’t put him in that position to go through what I went through, because nobody should have to.

Yesterday I was fishing around my closet looking for one of the multitude of Jane’s Guide’s that serve as research sourcebooks for some facet of my writing. I stumbled upon two other books bought but not opened. One, Quick Strength for Runners, and the other Anatomy for Runners were piled atop an otherwise overlooked set of files and a long unopened file box. My first thought was, I remember buying these and expecting to use them to not only supplement my understanding of coaching track but to help create a framework by which I could teach my kids a way of being and living. It never happened. The books alongside so many others were left to collect dust and contribute to the overall appearance of wasted resources in a wasted mind. I fear my life has become that in so many ways.

The hard part is not dedicating myself to anything specific. I am, at the core, a mess of incomplete tasks and talents unfulfilled. I have never fully dedicated myself to one thing and that is okay. What makes this untenable is the fact that I have never even managed to structure my life in a way that gives real and lasting focus to the things that matter. I read about these great writers and teachers and athletes and find that they all do what I don’t do: They stick with it each and every day. They make time and keep time and have the mindset to continue day in and day out. They might be lazy at the core, as am I, but they don’t allow themselves to be overcome by that laziness.

I am really good at getting the materials and the positioning and saying the right things to be in line for success. I’m less skilled at the long term follow through. I am less skilled at sticking to it long enough to make it a life. I can see that I have imbued my children with that same lack of stick to it that plagues me 40+ years into this brief and wondrous existence. So, the good news is I am at least aware of where things are.

Seconds before I walked into my class this afternoon I got a call from my partner telling me she’d heard one of my students had died. Not just any student either, but one I’d grown personally attached to through my work with honors and PTK. I have a ton of students. Honestly there are several whose names I do not know, but I knew his name and a lot of his story. He was very much a person to me and suddenly that person is gone.

It was a shocking reminder that people are not immortal. I’m not sure how I feel about how some of the people took the news. Most seemed shocked and sad but a few smiled. I am not one to tell people how to deal with their pain and shock and grief, but I feel very fortunate that those who did handle it that way were in the back of the space where others could not see them. It is not an appropriate public response in my opinion and shows a great deal of coldness. However, I don’t know if that was intentional or perhaps the sad reality of not understanding how to deal with such things.

I myself am not dealing with it so well. I find myself wondering about other students who have not been present. I have two other students who appeared really committed who have not shown up to class in days. This incident makes me worry about their safety. It makes me not want to deal with the passing of another student.

I feel badly for the family and for the friends who lost a loved one. I believe that he was a great dude who had the potential to provide so much for this world. He will in the least provide memories and lasting tendrils of love that can help his loved ones sustain themselves through this fresh pain.

Extremely tired today. I am struggling mightily keeping the energy up in the sick state. I’m recovering, but my age and physical condition is making it go far slower than I thought possible. The upside is that this is a great weekend of no sports and no real responsibility. It is much needed. Healthy I can handle the world. Sick I can hardly handle my class load.

That being said, I am loving the opportunity to teach and to create content for my students. It is a different side of writing and storytelling but it keeps me attached to the game where I otherwise am not always connected.

That in of itself is an issue that needs a good fix. I need to be in the game more in terms of writing and creating. I’ve made the space in my life, but I am not yet filling it properly.

Some Thoughts:

1. In our 8 team league there are 7 teams and an automated crap-shoot called, ‘Bot’ this shell owner has not won a single match. Until now. It is 30 points up on me going into tonight’s game. Life be like that sometimes.

There is this hilarious SNL skit that ran last week where the clever line about Trump getting impeached is, “Ain’t gonna happen.” It is one of those jokes that is not a joke and instead passes on some deep cultural wisdom. When I laughed I laughed at the reality of it all. Though he (trump) may be the most deserving of a ‘Lock him up.” the good ole party refuses to do anything that would challenge their control of the White House. This is the backlash all of us get for supporting Obama. America decided to over correct, leaving us with what we have right now.

Which is not a whole lot of good..

Some Thoughts:

1. I am fairly certain I passed out twice writing this. The sick is killing me faster now.
2. I’m fresh out of words and ideas. See, tired.

This has been a really good day–the kind of day I enjoy having. It was imperfect (I did not fall into the arms of my love. I did not write 1000 words) but it was solid. I spent the morning coaching football and rounded out the night with a Bad Religion concert. What I love about that is I got to enjoy kid time and adult time and even a little me time squeezed into the center. As I say, it wasn’t perfect, but it does feel like the kind of thing I want right now: a little bit of everything but in balance.

No, I’m not going to start comparing these quadrants of my life to the basic food groups. One thing I’ve learned as a writer is to avoid the obvious joke. Wait… I just made the joke, didn’t I? Ah, well, moving on…

The sickness has me feeling run down and tired, but it failed to sap my joy of the day. It certainly wanted to, but no–I feel like I overcame that today. I feel like I might also be out of things to say… so…

Some Thoughts:

1. Need more concerts in my life. My future Mrs. Talislegger and I have gone to two recently and now I have the bug.
2. Dealing with a difficult ebay situation predicated by the USPS. The guy sent me the goods, but for reasons that remain unclear, they were undeliverable. When they tried to return the goods his own address popped as undeliverable. So now I have a package in limbo.

I am amazed at how quickly a small sick can snowball into something annoying and then debilitating. I woke up this morning with a slight sneeze that could be ignored and am now curled in bed late at night about to drain a bottle of nyquil with a stuffed up nose, recurring sneezing fits, and a very upset… everything. To use a much enjoyed phrase, that escalated quickly.

When I was a kid I felt invincible to such things. A cold was like running through a wall made of toilet paper rolls. It barely slowed me down all the way through college. Now it feels like these things have gotten much stronger. More likely: I have grown much weaker. Faded really. I’m seeing all of these men young and old in the gym looking like workout gods and thinking to myself, where did I go wrong in all of this? And now a cold has me commiserating on a blog. How the mighty have fallen.

I suppose that is the point here, or at least part of it. The mighty have fallen quite low, but that fall is always part of the story. It is the end for a lot of people, but I think I have at least two more acts in me. I think I have enough left to make a legitimate life after this multi-decade holding pattern. I think it has already started. I also think that I can grow old gracefully if I don’t let the old happen all at once as it has been. That is a question of more than state of mind. It is about state of action as well.

Some Thoughts:

1. The upside of sick day should have been grading. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.
2. It was Minecraft. A lot of minecraft with the kids. Good times were had by all…
3. My youngest is finally very excited about this next football game. He is looking forward to a legitimate challenge against a top team. We will see how it goes, but I know it will go down with him giving it his all. That is the most important part.

When I pulled up to pick my mid kid up from school today he asked if I wanted to read his story. It was formatted perfectly and used advanced language and circumstance. It was only a page, but it was solid. Turns out the kid can write. Turns out I could not be more proud of knowing my kid can write. This is not A King-Hill thing. I cannot pretend to understand how amazing that lifestyle must’ve been to cultivate such an amazing house filled with writers.

What am I cultivating? I wonder sometimes. I know that I have created an environment where these kids feel empowered and supported to try new things.

Some Thoughts:

1. Many people have small minds and small lives and they are absolutely happy with it. I respect that.
2. I have less respect for those who want more and are simply too terrified of change and chance in order to take the chances to make a better lives for themselves.
3. I’ve been slowly developing a better life for myself and one that remains in constant transition.
4. Excited about this weekend of football. Facing an improved version of a team we lost 18-8 to last year with our new team that offers more talent top to bottom than the first and a better coaching scheme and staff. That doesn’t stop me from being worried we will get beat. Either way it is going to be a dogfight.

Being back in the fantasy game has been a mixed bag of experiences. In the family league I have finally risen to the #1 spot, which worries me because it is tough to stay on top given the way the league tends to either front or backload team schedules. I’ll be needing some trades/waivers should things start to turn there. In the other league–the money league–things are not going as well. I am 2-2 and haven’t been scoring nearly as high as the other players. That puts me in 6th place and playoff bound, but at the very bottom of that wildcard look. It isn’t stressful or anything and is actually kind of fun, but I don’t have any answers on how to improve there. I’m streaming as discussed, and that helps but will it be enough to push me up the rankings?

In the money league teams 4-6 are all 2-2. I face the 5th ranked Fantasy Baller this week in a game the optimizer figures say I should win by 10. For the record: the optimizer is never right. At least not about the margin or point outcome. The top 2 teams in that league are undefeated and the #3 is 3-1. They are scoring a clean 30 points above me each week, which leaves me feeling like I have little chance to clean up my act. Of course, I was victimized by the injury bug, so maybe I will get at least 1 starter back in time to matter.

In the family league I am the Last G Standing. Both in name and spirit. I’m in 1st at 3-1 and the loss came on a day where I scored the 2nd highest points. I’ve scored the highest points twice. I expect that trend to continue this week, but the schedule suggests it may not. I have Lamar Jackson at Pit along with Chubb at SF and Gordon (who I plucked off waivers last week) hopefully getting minutes against a really bad Denver run defense. Still, he is not in football shape and they are at altitude, so I may have to bench him this week.

For the most part the failure to soar has been on me in this latter league. As such I need to step up. It feels good to know these kids haven’t surpassed me at quite everything yet.

Some Quick Picks:

1. BAL over DEN
2. NO over TB
3. CLE over SF
4. SEA over LA
5. NE over WASH
6. NY over MIN (you know I had to)
7. AZ over CIN
8. IND over KC (this game is gonna be CRAZY)

It occurs to me that I have been on this planet for 44 years and, given my racial makeup, I might not have that much time left. A recent study conducted in Philly discovered that 40% of black men studied had hypertension. Only one in three of those were obese. This led to a surprisingly low life expectancy of 69. I’ve watched many black men in and just outside of my circle of known associates pass away in the last decade and that should’ve been the warning sign for me. It wasn’t. In fact it was a deep cleaning at the dentist that informed me that I was suffering from Stage 2 hypertension and, truth be told, close to cardiac arrest.

Let me repeat that. I am a 44 yr old man on the edge of a heart attack. That is something I do not understand. I know far heavier people and less healthy people than myself and while they suffer from issues none seem on the verge of stroke or heart attacks. If the numbers are to be taken at face value, I’m really not going to make it much longer unless I get this stuff under control. Sadly, that will mean changes in my life I don’t want to and have not presently made.

It is supposed to mean the end of coffee. I’m not there yet. I know it raises my BP, which is deep in the red of Stage 2 already (or perhaps because of the coffee…). I don’t want that part of my life to go away. I truly enjoy the caffeine rush and the energy that comes from it. I have made that a part of my daily life and wish to continue in that way.

I am ready to fix the rest. I am back in the gym. I am trying to eat right. I am taking a number of herbal supplements. I am trying everything available in order to create a situation where I don’t die. I just hope it is not too late.

So that is my something blue. There is a real possibility that I leave this mortal coil without ever marrying my true love; without seeing a single birth kid graduate; without writing a truly great story.

I must find a way to avoid that premature ending.