Yesterday I was fishing around my closet looking for one of the multitude of Jane’s Guide’s that serve as research sourcebooks for some facet of my writing. I stumbled upon two other books bought but not opened. One, Quick Strength for Runners, and the other Anatomy for Runners were piled atop an otherwise overlooked set of files and a long unopened file box. My first thought was, I remember buying these and expecting to use them to not only supplement my understanding of coaching track but to help create a framework by which I could teach my kids a way of being and living. It never happened. The books alongside so many others were left to collect dust and contribute to the overall appearance of wasted resources in a wasted mind. I fear my life has become that in so many ways.
The hard part is not dedicating myself to anything specific. I am, at the core, a mess of incomplete tasks and talents unfulfilled. I have never fully dedicated myself to one thing and that is okay. What makes this untenable is the fact that I have never even managed to structure my life in a way that gives real and lasting focus to the things that matter. I read about these great writers and teachers and athletes and find that they all do what I don’t do: They stick with it each and every day. They make time and keep time and have the mindset to continue day in and day out. They might be lazy at the core, as am I, but they don’t allow themselves to be overcome by that laziness.
I am really good at getting the materials and the positioning and saying the right things to be in line for success. I’m less skilled at the long term follow through. I am less skilled at sticking to it long enough to make it a life. I can see that I have imbued my children with that same lack of stick to it that plagues me 40+ years into this brief and wondrous existence. So, the good news is I am at least aware of where things are.