Day: October 9, 2019

Yesterday I was fishing around my closet looking for one of the multitude of Jane’s Guide’s that serve as research sourcebooks for some facet of my writing. I stumbled upon two other books bought but not opened. One, Quick Strength for Runners, and the other Anatomy for Runners were piled atop an otherwise overlooked set of files and a long unopened file box. My first thought was, I remember buying these and expecting to use them to not only supplement my understanding of coaching track but to help create a framework by which I could teach my kids a way of being and living. It never happened. The books alongside so many others were left to collect dust and contribute to the overall appearance of wasted resources in a wasted mind. I fear my life has become that in so many ways.

The hard part is not dedicating myself to anything specific. I am, at the core, a mess of incomplete tasks and talents unfulfilled. I have never fully dedicated myself to one thing and that is okay. What makes this untenable is the fact that I have never even managed to structure my life in a way that gives real and lasting focus to the things that matter. I read about these great writers and teachers and athletes and find that they all do what I don’t do: They stick with it each and every day. They make time and keep time and have the mindset to continue day in and day out. They might be lazy at the core, as am I, but they don’t allow themselves to be overcome by that laziness.

I am really good at getting the materials and the positioning and saying the right things to be in line for success. I’m less skilled at the long term follow through. I am less skilled at sticking to it long enough to make it a life. I can see that I have imbued my children with that same lack of stick to it that plagues me 40+ years into this brief and wondrous existence. So, the good news is I am at least aware of where things are.

Seconds before I walked into my class this afternoon I got a call from my partner telling me she’d heard one of my students had died. Not just any student either, but one I’d grown personally attached to through my work with honors and PTK. I have a ton of students. Honestly there are several whose names I do not know, but I knew his name and a lot of his story. He was very much a person to me and suddenly that person is gone.

It was a shocking reminder that people are not immortal. I’m not sure how I feel about how some of the people took the news. Most seemed shocked and sad but a few smiled. I am not one to tell people how to deal with their pain and shock and grief, but I feel very fortunate that those who did handle it that way were in the back of the space where others could not see them. It is not an appropriate public response in my opinion and shows a great deal of coldness. However, I don’t know if that was intentional or perhaps the sad reality of not understanding how to deal with such things.

I myself am not dealing with it so well. I find myself wondering about other students who have not been present. I have two other students who appeared really committed who have not shown up to class in days. This incident makes me worry about their safety. It makes me not want to deal with the passing of another student.

I feel badly for the family and for the friends who lost a loved one. I believe that he was a great dude who had the potential to provide so much for this world. He will in the least provide memories and lasting tendrils of love that can help his loved ones sustain themselves through this fresh pain.