Month: December 2019

By that I mean 4:04 AM. That is when I woke up, thanks to this new dog. It is not even a little easy sleeping through the night while kennel training. She’s asleep now on the floor by the couch by the other dog. I suppose I could have put her in the kennel again, but that, I worry, would start the entire cycle again and wake my partner. I am not even about to try that.

Instead I spent the last hour playing games and surfing the web on my phone. I wasted that time to be sure, but I am not by nature a morning person. I didn’t even reach for this laptop until 5 AM and here I am now with a stream of consciousness blog that will have some wondering, ‘what happened to you?’ Again, it was the dog.

Some Thoughts:

1. Watched Eli play like a champ for the 1st half of the Eagles game and then watched the offense not adjust to what the Eagles were trying to do and not try to get the ball downfield to push the lead. It goes like that in the video game too. That is just what it is… with this coaching staff. I say we tear down the whole thing and start fresh with a new staff and some more dramatic changes on both sides of the ball.
2. Yes, I am petitioning for the firing of he Giants coaching staff… All of them. Also, get better O-linemen and draft a QB that can push Jones. Turns out he’s not the answer, because he cannot make the hot reads on the field. That is why Eli has been successful–or had been.
3. Strange moment on my partners computer last night. I’ve been hacked before and seen the oddities of a pointer moving around on it’s own on screen and doing weird stuff to the windows, so when that happened to her I immediately thought she was hacked. She uses s Mac, so I was especially surprised to see that happen. Perhaps it is not a hack, but it certainly feels like some hacker got in and then decided to slow motion mess with the settings for giggles. To be continued on this story…
4. Basically that means I’m going to run a virus check.

I’m sure I got the Spanish wrong. Languages and me have a strained relationship. Even English is occasionally not my friend. The idea though, that remains intact. It is after 5 now, but I’ve been up since 4:30 with the new puppy. She’s a situation. My partner has bore the brunt of the damage, having gotten up with her the last few nights. I was fortunate to pull a duty that only had me up at 4:30. Of course that means the pup is entirely up and needs supervision less she pee and chew her way through the house.

She also needs to be watched around the other dog because he’s, well, kind of not smart in the dog to dog sense. He does not realize how little she is and wants to treat her like she can ply and run just like he can. Not the case. Still, that level of scramble wears her out and I like that.

My plan is get her al good and worn out today so that she is wanting to sleep tonight. I don’t have an early work week, so why be up at 4:30 every morning?

This reminds me of raising my kids in the most basic ways.

It has been a good Sunday. I spent hours with my boys gaming and hanging out and enjoying football. I did not get enough of the writing done, but the truth of that is I can only do so much before my mind decides to shut down entirely. You can shut down and watch the Ravens and still have a great time. I’m looking forward to more of the same “on the ‘morrow” when I watch Eli re-ascend the starting throne and take on Philly. Eli deserves to go out on top. When he does leave there will continue to be questions at QB that are not likely to be answered by Daniel Jones.

Yes, I’ve stepped back from Danny Drops. The dude has a good amount of potential and shows flashes but he is not the guy for leading this team right now. In fact, I’ve been rife with wonder about what the Giants actual succession plan is at multiple positions. Given the cache of picks they’ve acquired for the coming season it seems that Jones could be joined by legit talent on the line shortly.

I decided to get back into Madden 20 franchise mode and found myself trying to figure things out as an owner. I found a diamond in the rough mobile QB who may be a future superstar, and that was a good look (that probably won’t happen in real life) but what was more surprising is how many solid players were available Tyreek Hill was available, but RL shut that down already. There were a number of quality LBs around too, and that could be real.

I think the Giants are trying to rebuild themselves around defense and a run game. I think that it is a really good look for them and I expect it to work out–so long as they find talent to put around Barkley and so long as Jones finds a way to not turn the ball over every game he plays.

I came to the terrible realization today that I completely lack the means to save money. This is especially disappointing given recent and upcoming changes to income. A man my age ought to be able to save. I cannot. I don’t have any semblance of thought of when I will be able to save. As it is I am in a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle with no possibility of that changing or being able to afford the things I want to do in life without plunging myself further into debt.

Still, I am going to live in a way that makes me happy. I am going to take the trips and provide the opportunities and do all the things a partner and a father ought to do, because that is what makes the people around me happy and what makes them feel safe and free of stress.

I’ve been called a martyr for such thoughts, but it is more about not wanting to be a person who doesn’t follow through or do as promised. I don’t want to be seen as someone who can’t do the things he says he can do or can’t provide for his family. So, I’ll just work harder and find a way to make it work and make the people around me happy.

I make the excuse that being a writer allows me to be unnaturally lazy. I tend to allow myself to fall behind on a number of assignments and jobs and responsibilities and call it what it isn’t: Part of being a writer. It has worked for me for a long time. By work I mean I’ve gotten by and sullied my name and reputation in the meanwhile. In other words, I’ve allowed myself to be lazy because I have the talent to get by last minute, but it often results in being overwhelmed and never ever getting better.

Part of being a writer–the part that matters–is getting stuff done. That means creating a lifestyle that allows for improvement and creativity. I can in all honesty say that I have never cultivated a life for myself that allows for that. Instead I have merely gotten by.

Yesterday I was really sad. The more I questioned why the more my thoughts pointed me back in this direction. I am not living the life I want to live. When I got home I started cleaning out old drawers. It felt like a physical reaction to a metaphorical drama. I’m happier now that I have a hold of what it is I really need to do over the next few years of my life in order to set myself on the proper path to live the best version of life for myself, my partner, and our family.

The hard part of the semester is over. All that remains is the grading and the joy of telling students how well they did. Of course, that also leaves space for telling them how poorly they achieved. This has been a mixed semester with some good and some bad. What I can say above all else about the semester is that I didn’t do it well enough. I did not give the students what I believe is the maximum of my abilities. In short, I could’ve been better.

The plan is to do less. The plan is to shift gears and focus on the writing and to make the classes I do wind up teaching be the best experience I can possibly offer to students.

Some Thoughts:

1. Not really sure where things stand with health and diet. I’ve seen better days with both to be sure, but I have also seen worse. I’m moving towards a lifestyle where my health is pushed in a better direction–both physically and mentally.
2. I also want to write better stuff.

Well, I got crushed in the money league. The problem there was fairly straight forward–I drafted PPR in a non-PPR league. In spite of that I was able to win a number of games, but that number was far too low to make the playoffs and I feel like I would have had little to no success in those playoffs anyhow. I won games, but I rarely cracked 100 points. The top teams always cracked 100 points. So, that is a wash. Meanwhile, the other league is gearing up for the playoffs. I have 2nd place right now and I feel pretty secure in that spot. This gives me the safest path to the ‘ship in my opinion, because some of these lower ranked teams have been catching fire late in the season. So, I’m saying there’s a chance.

Now it comes to deciding who to start.

I am not going to go with Danny Drops. He has fumbled the ball in every single start of his professional career. This is a thing he can work on, but if he doesn’t get a sixth sense of where the blitzer is, he is not long for this league. Honestly, I think he holds on to the ball too long. That won’t do for the NFL or the Fantasy Football League. Besides, he’s in a walking boot after the latest rash of hits, and Eli is starting again. Dude is not gonna make my cut. Instead I will bolster my roster with some late season sleepers to use just in case.

High on that list is finding a late season running back. There have been recent coach firings and offensive stall outs. James White is suddenly very relevant, and it could be that the panthers lean on their RB a little less, so I am curious on how to proceed here. I do have some thoughts on who has their foot in the W column this week…

CHI over DAL
TB over IND
MIA over NYJ
NO over SF
DET over MIN
HOU over DEN
GB over WAS
CLE over CIN
BAL over BUF
ATL over CAR (see: coaching change)
JAX over LAC
NE over KC
AZ over PIT
SEA over LAR
NY over PHI

I get a lot of what I write from real life. While I tend to write fantasy and science fiction, the conflicts are very real and either reflective of what I am going through, have gone through, or see going on. I think that is the beauty of writing about other worlds than these. It provides me the psychological detachment needed to calmly assess behaviors that I otherwise would be too close to in order to understand.

One that keeps on rearing its ugly head is this perception of perfection or rightness. I feel that all of us feel like we are right about most things. It is very difficult to know you are wrong about something and still do it or believe in it or act that way. Of course arguments always arise when such behaviors clash. Misunderstandings spiral, feelings are hurt, and that raises old fears and even older aggressions. For example, I’m practically trembling with stress right now because of a totally avoidable conflict. I, feeling like I was being completely devalued and treated in a no-nothing demeaning way, responded by puffing out my chest. This led to mistakes, confusion, and hurt feelings. I know that I was not being devalued or mistreated in any way, but instead the person in the conflict was nervous and unsure and trying to understand the situation and trying very hard to communicate with a person she probably saw as non-responsive (which I was–once I am mad I shut down and just do the work). This could have been easily de-escalated, but it wasn’t. In fact with every breath I made the problem worse, and this too is sometimes what I do.

Here is where the writing comes in: I have the ability in fiction to analyze the situation from every angle–to see where everyone made mistakes and to understand that everyone made mistakes. In real life nobody is willing to admit that both sides are generally at fault in misunderstandings, but from the detached 3rd person we can see these scenarios unfold, and perhaps that will help the next person in the situation to see what is going on in their own lives and recognize the mistakes they make.

It is a lofty goal, but it works for me. It makes me want to tell the story.

I’m watching Castle Rock and I must say it defies expectation. What I thought I’d see was a sprawling link up of Stephen King’s main stories. Instead we have characters–secondary characters and their relations, mostly–and locations featured in all new stories that tie together pretty well. This second season focuses on Annie Wilkes who is the lead villain in Misery. Now this is where things get confusing. I’m not entirely sure it is Annie Wilkes. There is a connection there to be certain, but that is the joy of this series–the connections exist but the stories are entirely their own thing.

This show is one of a few I am watching right now; offering my brain a different sort of input from the onslaught of military research being done in advance of a very short story I am writing. I used to be the research guy and I am back to that again, because it is important and it invigorates me.

Knowledge is a very oft overlooked part of a writer’s arsenal. Knowledge begets internal consistency, which leads to really good story overall.

Some Thoughts:

1. Missing the structure of Nano already.
2. Missing football saturdays as well. I don’t have too much longer in my life to enjoy that and once it is over I know I will appreciate it’s end.
3. That is all I got.

So the thrill of writing a novel each day is gone, but the desire lingers. The ideas about the novel linger as well. For example, Marek is now Ma’rek and his family has served their masters for the past 300 years, with the first born son of each generation becoming a warrior. They are perhaps the oldest order of warriors in the world and there is bound to be a backstory as to how they forged an allegiance with their particular masters.

I’m still engaged by ideas of the novel and it feels like so much unfinished business. At the same time I am happy to be moving back to the projects I’ve been engaged in and hoping to get those off the plate quickly and explore whatever is to come next. Writing is about moving forward. It is about learning how to tell the tale, living in the tale for a time, and then we move on down the road. Too many writers languish in one story and get caught there. The doors to other worlds close; the thinnies shift, and they are lost; trapped in one story or one story world until inevitably whatever other tales they have left to tell feel dull in comparison, as if told through a sheet of thick glass weathered by years.

I want to be agile. I want to write these stories and move on from them and these worlds, though it is true that I have been trapped in one such realm for far far far too long. I enjoy the words there, but I also do need more.

Time to find new tales.