Month: March 2022

I’ve mentioned this before, but Peter King is an inspiration. His ten things I think I think is largely responsible for Some Thoughts. Since I don’t have any real coherent big thought for the evening. I will instead digress to…

Some Thoughts:

1. AoT is coming to an end. Final episode this weekend and (hopefully) a movie to close it out. I want to read the last part of the Manga to see how it all ends.
2. Read… I brought a book with me on this latest journey. It is a graphic novel, but a book nonetheless. I call it progress. Meanwhile, I continue to eat through audiobooks like one of the better food groups.
3. Are there still 4 basic food groups? I have a lot of holes in my general knowledge.
4. I am a bad friend. I don’t call friends back for weeks. It is a bad way to be and is largely responsible for my general lack of friends. Once, a friend moved to Cali and quickly lost contact. I’ve been in cali a lot since then and never ever made contact.
5. I’m not writing so much lately and I can’t seem to get it going. Need to figure things out there.
6. My first born is graduating this year. No idea how to send him off into the world to be his own man.
7. That’s it. Sports tomorrow…maybe.

I want to start by talking about the slap again. Not the moment itself, but how that moment really hyper-polarized a debate about women and what is right to do and black identity and hair and everything else. This moment that happened on live TV goes to the fact that we treat celebrity as a reflection of who we want to be and often who we should be. These aspirations, be they right or wrong, are unfortunate side effects of the constant exposure to the media personalities.

Media personalities are not expected to be real and flawed people. What flaws they are expected to have are seen largely as a snapshot or reflection of some larger societal issue. In reality they are treated like a living show even when not working. This has worsened over the years as social media and shows like the Kardashians let us into the homes of these people and reflect what sort of lives we should want to be living. Here is a neat trick: DONT WATCH. Yeah, It is harder than I suggest.

On a side note: we need to stop razzing comedians for telling jokes. The GI Jane joke wasn’t a particularly bad one. It did hit the hair (punching down) but the dress sorta sold the entire thing. Nobody wants to talk about that. Nobody especially wants to talk about Jada maybe not being a great person herself and perhaps even the kind of person who too punches down on her own show. Just saying.

I’ve been alive for 47 years. In all of that time I’ve only felt in control of my life for maybe ten years–non-consecutively. These momentary flashes of control serve as brief reminders that I have the ability to determine who I am and who I want to be. More often than not I feel as a passenger. Though I signed up for the ride I have little by way of controlling the route and ride to the destination. This is a mindset. This is a powerful prison of a mindset that I feel influences most of the people around me. The key is to remember that we are in control of how we feel about our lives and what we manifest in terms of intention and action in our own lives. This is regardless of what is happening around us.

When I talk about my kid who plays games and binges shows and from time to time skips work, I have spoken of a sense of jealousy that probably makes little sense on the surface. The reality is that he is aimless and there is a freedom in that. Yet that too is a mindset that he controls and the way I see it is a mindset that I control. The moment we compare our lives to the people we see around us is the moment we start to alter how we feel about our lives–be it for the positive or negative. The key is to ‘stay in your lane’ and look at what you are doing and lock in on what you want for yourself. The harder version is to do that with a partner–to establish the we and to sync up mindsets in a way that allows both of you to prosper mentally. I’ve yet to figure out how to sustain that.

Some Thoughts:

1. No matter what comes post death–it isn’t me. It isn’t this. It isn’t the existence I’ve had. Even in mind of reincarnation we become other. Our material spirit may exist, but our memories and actions form the foundation of who we are and can be and will be. Life is precious. Life is limited. Enjoy it in any way that you can.
2. That sounded darker than intended.

I just finished watching a show where, in real time, Will Smith smacked the crap out of Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife and then within the same show collected his first Oscar and was, apparently, instantly redeemed by the community. Let’s skip the debate over whether it was a punch or slap. Such conversations fail to put the spotlight on what an absolutely ridiculous and sad moment it was. Smith appeared to laugh at the joke before realizing his wife was upset by the comment. He then went up to Chris Rock and assaulted him. What changed? This has led to immediate thoughts that it was staged. I however think it was a genuine moment. I feel like Smith recognized the hurt in his wife’s eyes and knew that by at first laughing and then not doing anything he’d be in a serious situation in his own life He didn’t protect her. Later in his speech he harped on the idea of protection.

Here’s the thing: Jada Smith is going bald. She’s discussed it publicly. Does that make her off limits for comedy? I am not blaming her for the moment. I believe she played a part. I believe the relationship played a part. With that being said, Will committed the offense. On live TV. Then walked away with an Oscar. He’s gonna be alright. Somehow I think Rock loses in all of this. I don’t think that is right.

Blogging before a movie and between races here. My 14 year old is running track with the 4×100 team in an effort to beat some of the best teams in 4 states. The Chandler Rotary brings in 100+ schools and the Saturday evening showcases the best and most olympic ready athletes available. My kid isn’t that. He’s a 14 yr old sophomore trying to stand out. He’s doing great and he’s going to compete for years, but he ain’t winning tonight. He is going to learn from this one and keep growing. Proud to be a poppa.

Some Thoughts:

1. Cinderella is still dancing. St. Peters knocked off Purdue to advance to tomorrow’s Elite 8 game. At the risk of mixing metaphors I’m definitely rooting for the underdog here.
2. Opportunity came up to edit a journal…. Maybe it could be worth the work.
3. My kid got his state tax return back yesterday. As with his endless hours of time to do anything he wants, I am jealous. State always makes me pay. He gets cash back. He can binge a 1000 episode show and nobody even finds it the least bit out of sort. I sit down for 6 hours in front of Elden Ring and I am the guy who ignores his life. Being young is way easier. Only thing you have to balance is which indulgences you choose.

As of this writing the Cyclones are in a 3 point game at the half. That is the upside of being down 7-0 for the first 4 minutes of play. Anything is possible and all is possibility in this moment. Life is like that. It stays like that until it hardens under the weight of mistakes and poor execution until you are old and brittle and angry at what could have been and what was. Life is terribly difficult to get through without piling up mistake after mistake after mistake and breaking hearts and breaking vows you made to yourself and sometimes to others. Life is execution until life is no more.

I’m dark like this at times. Darker when the words aren’t coming and I cannot pour them out through the hearts and feelings of characters best led down roads where there is no coming back from the choices they made.

Some Thoughts:

1. Is life a journey and a destination? Is the destination ultimately the dark empty of death? Is that just a stop or perhaps a reset for our souls? Do we go on? Are we us if we are not us?
2. Dark reflections on a Friday night.

I’m finally using my Panda Planner. One of the items requested is a daily affirmation. I immediately realized that I don’t do affirmations and, upon reading a few, don’t believe much of what is being affirmed. I suppose “I will get better someday, perhaps, but not really” isn’t an affirmation. More like a wishy washy not so real statement of nothingness. Thankfully, mom’s got this.

I found a website by and for moms that speaks of 7 daily affirmations. The one that caught my eye was “It’s okay not to be okay.” Well, that is a real one for you. See, I am not okay. I am lazy and darkly unmotivated and hardcore into the receive vs. create mode and none of that is very healthy for my soul. I need a balance I haven’t found. I need to have far less kid drama. I need to be grounded and centered in the home space, and I need that space to not feel like a prison/minefield filled with exploding negativity. Yet here we are. So… It’s okay not to be okay.

That might be the best thing I’ve heard in a while. It might be a short path to getting back on some kind of path that drives me towards an eventual happiness. I could use such a thing.

Some Thoughts:

1. Love that the planner challenges me to do more than play Elden Ring.
2. Upcoming vacation from the homestead will do me hecka good.
3. I miss feeling good in my own body.
4. I also still kinda miss youth football. It is clearly an addiction. I’m trying to get off that sad sick drug.
5. Football in general is a form of addiction. Or at least a habit…
6. Panda Planner invented (or just put on paper, to be honest) a habit tracker that seems useful. I might do such a thing for myself for habits both good and bad.

Well, Madden officially broke the NFL. This is best described by the recent trade of Tyreek “Cheetah” Hill to the Dolphins for FIVE picks. FIVE. Trade logic is broken, but at a level and style fairly opposite to Madden. Still, the idea is the same: Dump mad capital for a guy who can help you right now. So much for the old school way of developing a squad and chemistry over years. The Chiefs still (sorta) believe in this idea, but not enough to give all that money to Hill. So what now for the Dolphins? If I’m them I go get Landry. I grab me a solid possession guy/locker room guy like him and put him in a three wide set with the two fastest WR in the league. Then, I hope my QB can get it done. Personally, I haven’t seen that Tua is that guy. He lacks the arm strength to use either speedster right, but with Wes Welker leading them in the WR room, they may develop skills to do all they need underneath.

This is a win for the Dolphins but not so for the Chiefs. Maybe they do find a bunch of guys in the draft, but I don’t know that this is going to be the case. Kelce cannot do it alone.

Some Thoughts:

1. Gonna be a rough season for the Giants. Going to be a building season because the cap is a mess and we need to get through this to get the cap right and, eventually, get rid of some big cap players who are not performing.
2. This right here is the most comprehensive debunking of a UFO video I’ve ever seen. Not to say the object in question isn’t unidentified, but it also isn’t really extraordinary. Also… accidental ASMR for real.

Spent some time with the daughter today and it was nice to see her growing up and funny to see her hanging out with couples older than me. This is a strange fact: She’s socially older than me. Her partner basically operates like a retired hobbiest and that makes me giggle. Gotta love them. Gotta love life when it gives you a chance to do so. I feel like I’ve been in an enormous and terrifying funk as of late and I really feel happy about the chance to feel, well, happy. Even if temporary it is like, well, rain in the desert.

And I had mini chimichangas.

Some Thoughts:

1. Finally took a stab at the daily planner and wasn’t entirely overwhelmed. I’m going to dig in deeper tomorrow.
2. Been playing upwords and I enjoy the game. It is a different strategy than Scrabble and I’ve lost two of three thus far. I’ll get there.
3. Been short blogs and been slow thinking. Not the best version of myself possible.
4. I feel like I am healing my connection with the story verse and I am afraid to push it less that slender tether snaps yet again.
5. The key to getting paid as a faculty member is professional growth. More to the point it is about documenting professional growth. I haven’t. As such I am paid just as much as a new hire. I need to fix this.
6. Madden is waning. We’ve lost all or most of the interest in the league. So, what do we get to do together? Board Games? Watching shows? What about talking? I mean the boys of course. The partner dynamic works just fine.
7. Started a new class today rooted in Conspiracy Theories and it is going well so far.
8. Also, got to a place in Elden Ring where I can actually farm XP efficiently and build my dream character. I’m gonna go sicko mode.
9. Speaking of which, I’ve heard an interesting and funny conspiracy theory: Travis Scott is a cultist and his music drives people to murder.

I allocated two and a half hours to Elden Ring today and spent most of time running around Stormveil Castle… in a circle. I haven’t reached the big bad yet, and I’m probably twice or more the level expected to be in order to beat him. Yet I feel I have no chance. Why? The Jr. Bosses and foot soldiers destroy me. The essence of the game suggests you become very skilled at doing one thing and raising one state, but that is antithetical to who I am so I end up okay at everything and not good enough at anything. This is not the ideal build, and maybe I will respec at a later date, but it seems like I won’t.

I love the way the game looks and I see evidence of all the fantasy George RR Martin has read throughout his life. There are moments (few) where it feels like him, but mostly it is just a pretty game and pretty difficult to get through easily. Still, fun to a point. Frustrating to another.