Day: December 29, 2025

I went to the blog this morning and saw ‘Reflections on a Sunday Night’ and thought immediately that I’d screwed up. I thought, “It’s Tuesday. I missed Monday entirely.” Turns out it is Monday today. That is proof of how disconnected I am from the normal world when I am not working a steady 9-5 job. I’ll be back in that world a few weeks from now and feeling the weight of it in my soul to be sure. In spite of having a rather incredible schedule, I do have this lingering sense of discomfort when it comes to being at work. That has everything to do with being at the end rather than the beginning of an experience. My kids are getting older. My world is shifting. I’m ready to move on and out of the desert. To where? That certainly remains to be seen.

It all boils down to affordability and work possibility. We’ve looked across the Pacific Northwest for opportunities, and as I upgrade my degree I am seeking additional opportunities online. I want to be able to spend my next 50 years in happiness. Heck, I want a next 50 years. I think I get 20-30 good ones unless medicine makes some incredible leaps, and I don’t want those good ones to be wasted here chasing down other people’s dreams. The Lady Talis and I are ready to live our own dreams and lives in a space that comes to life around us.

But where?

I have five boys. Two live with me full time. The others, apparently, don’t want to be here. Their life isn’t here. Their joy isn’t here, which by default means that I am not a part of any of that. It hurts. It is a terrible feeling to give so much of yourself and your life to people who simply do not care about you the way you care about them. You see it all the time in relationships. I see it less in parental relationships–in fact I am more used to the other side of the coin where my parents couldn’t care much less about me. Perhaps that is the truth I’ve been avoiding. Perhaps it is me.

I am very easy to be taken for granted. I do not demand much from people, which I always thought was a good thing. I’m falling into doubt about that, though I am not completely sure it is the issue at all. I don’t know, it is just hard to see the other two boys and the daughter on this side care so much about their mom and know that not a single kid has that depth of connection with me. Sad, but true. I’m a second level parent… A backup.

Some Thoughts:

1. First time I’ve had to go to the ASMR well in weeks. This time its singing bowls. I reach for this kind of stuff when I feel off or awful. Today is the latter.
2. Minecraft note: You can put up to three worlds in a realms account and play that realm across platforms. It is also a nifty way to upload and download your world across platforms, which is ideally what I think I intend to use it for with the Switch2.