Day: April 26, 2026

I have this image in my head–maybe its more of a clip or a dream or a hallucinated moment–where I look to the people out in front of me and say, “I finally got my shit together!” And in that moment it is real and known that I am the complete person promised. I’ve come round at last. This has never really happened. My life consists of a variety of failures stitched together by rare, and oft fleeting, moments of success. I suspect most lives are like that; storybook lives where the protagonist fails and fails and fails until they finally succeed. This could be why such structures work so well in story form.

As I type, the Lady Talis is out beyond the door speaking with her own eldest son (as we are a blended family we each have a first born male of which to speak). They are chatting about life and his life in particular, though he and especially his blood sister (our one girl) and his younger blood brother both often chat with her and ask after her life. My blood-born three do no such thing either to her or me. I don’t suspect they do it to their blood mother either (are you thinking the term blood mother is such a sci-fi or even fantasy coolness that it sounds quite awful in RL?). They were not programmed to care about us. I suspect they never will really see us as more than someone to come to with needs, questions, or misdirected aggression. I never taught them to give a crap about me and my life. As a result, I don’t get birthday gifts.

I got it wrong. That is the argument here. Sure, these boys could be really successful in life. All three of the blood born have a direct path to high-level success. Yet in terms of keeping us together as a family, I did not get my shit together. I never will. Sometimes the chance to make change is long behind you before you ever truly realize it. I’m starting to see that about many aspects of my life.

So, it is time to accept the things I cannot change, and to realize what those things are. It is time to move forward and give my energy and soul to what I can do from here on out.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Sabastian Sawe breaks fabled 2-hour barrier in the marathon to shatter world record by 65 seconds” I don’t think people truly realize how fast you have to go to run a marathon in under 2 hours. It is a wild level of sustained speed and endurance. Just wild.

I can tell I am worn down mentally, because I am slipping. Blog sat unpublished yesterday and here I am today trying to get another one in after my work day is done… except I didn’t do any work. Well, some work. I did some classwork, and I will probably do some teacher work in a bit here, but I am drained. I am so drained that I am not that hyped to even play Mass Effect right now. It has been a long semester. I don’t know that I did myself any favors with the amount of outside work I took on this semester either. I’m not crushing that work–especially not today, Instead I find myself here trying to make sure I get a full ten minutes in before I go do, well, who knows. More and more I find myself trying to survive these days as opposed to excelling through them.

I know I am ground down and need a break. I don’t know what that break should look like, but it should be something putting me on the path to getting back right with my health. Three months… That’s the reload.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump rushed from table after gunfire erupts at White House Correspondents’ Dinner” It is a Fox News link, so be warned of massive spin. It is bonkers because of how they are pitching this as how amazing and brave this dude is for coming back to the dinner. Here’s the thing though–The shots were not in the ballroom or apparently towards the ballroom, so bravery does not enter into the conversation. This is going to be spun so dang hard…
2. Pet Peeve of the Day: Any time I walk into the living room, the kids will quickly follow me out there if only to make sure they can get to the TV before I do… I’m actually not stressed about it. When I want it, I will take it. However, I find the action annoying.

I’ve been thinking about how much stress impacts my blood pressure. I stay under stress and it gets worse when family matters are off. My pressure has varied from 117/80 to 140/101 from day to day, regardless of meals or activity. Between that, work, and the world drama I am trending towards bad things. As a result I’ve tried hard to escape reality–hours and hours of video gaming as a way to detach and not have to think about anything real. I get the urges people have to escape and I do what I can myself when the pressure is too high. The problem I am facing is that I cannot escape. There is too much to be done and every few hours away from the reality makes everyone in my life more distant and angry. I have to ride this out. I have to shift away from self care and be more about the rest of the world.

I’ll find time for self care when everything else around me settles down. For now, I am going to put my main energy into locking in and working hard on all of the things I am supposed to handle.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump to send envoys Witkoff and Kushner to Pakistan for talks with Iran foreign minister” You see why I’m stressed, right?
2. Also… this: “Businesses dole out up to $4 million to cross Panama Canal during Strait of Hormuz chokehold” Makes me see that this whole game is a hustle.