I’ve reached a peculiar place in my understanding of being a parent: Sometimes you need to recognize that different kids grow up in different ways at different times and age has little to do with it. This is a truism I’m facing as a dad watching my kids (step or otherwise) grow up at various rates and entering into their lives in various fashions. It is also a lesson to realize that what I want from them isn’t necessarily what they want or what they think happiness looks like. I have one son who goes out once a week solely because his work mates have created a scenario where he is invited to participate with them in a way he feels comfortable. Otherwise he’s home doing him. Another is out all the time and functions basically independent of parenting. That one is 17 and moored by church and church group and activities pertaining to school and sport as opposed to any ‘north’ being a parent. There are others and other examples to make therein. The truth of the matter as a whole boils down to my lack of real control in all of it. In every aspect of being a parent I’ve moved to an advisory role. This advice, often offered, is sometimes taken. It is sometimes ignored entirely. I’m learning to be okay with this. I’m learning to accept how to factor this into how I live and think about my own life moving forward.
Having grown up relationships with your kids is a tough one for me. As with parenting, I don’t have very good role models. Often I look to the Lady Talis and how she spends time with her father as my ‘true north’ in such things. Yet I realize their situation is built on a history I don’t have with my own parent nor my kids. So, mine isn’t going to be that. I don’t know what mine are going to be. It feels like a constant evolution. It feels like I personally need to do more work maintaining contact. However, the downside of being seen in an advisory role is that it is a position or a function and not a reflection of a fully formed human being. It is increasingly clear that the majority of my kids don’t see me as a person. Heck, they definitely don’t know me as a person or try to. I cannot remember the last time one of ‘dem franchise boys’ the original three asked me how I was doing? Definitely not what I was doing or up to. Previously those were questions that prefaced them needing money. Gotta grease the wheels, right? The step-kids had a life before me and in that life they learned to give a damn about people who weren’t them, so at least one asks me how I’m doing.
It’s progress. It’s moving forward. Gotta get the rest there for their own good.
Some Thoughts:
- Looking forward to the weekend. Glad the work part of the week is wrapping up.