I’ve been dealing with a great deal of angst and rage sourced from discontent. This is, unfortunately, springing in part from core relationships. Not the Husband/wife variety, but the discontent of not having the kind of relationships with my kids that I want and knowing that it is my fault things are what they are. To further paraphrase The Wire, I want it to be one way, but it’s the other way. Acceptance is really hard, especially in the face of so much angst outside of my personal life. It feels like the world is hyper-polarized and spiraling down the drain faster and faster. Each headline drives me further away from a belief that we are going to be okay. Each moment I feel that I also have the manic sense that the people close to me are spiraling away as well.
One new conundrum, that should have zero bearing on my thoughts but bugs nonetheless, is the odd belief that the ex intends to follow the kid to Oregon and live close enough to be a constant presence in his life. Why should that bother me? Aside from the fact that it stunts his growth to have someone babying him at that age and at that level, it shouldn’t. Yet it does. It feels like another wrongness perpetrated in a reality filled with wrongs I can do nothing about. Perhaps that is the biggest problem. I cannot seem to accept the things I cannot change. I struggle with the absolute volume of injustice on a daily basis.
I struggle with accepting that this is the world I inhabit now, and I need to figure out my own margins and the best way to thrive in it. Instead I am in some form of survival mode, hanging on day to day and unable to settle into the routines of a life that makes me happy. I’m just mad all the time and at everything and feeling trampled on constantly. I feel like I need to do something to fight back but I am paralyzed by the house of cards that is life. I cannot choose violence or everything breaks. I cannot verbally strike back or everything breaks. All I can do is turn the other cheek and expose it to more bruising.
Perhaps I’m over-inflating the situation and tying in the woes of the world as though they are my own, and thus burying the little bit of real maneuverability I have in the process. It’s worth considering. It is hard to see through to that when blinded by disappointment.
Some Thoughts:
- Haven’t I said enough?