I am going to go on a bit of a rant here, so if you’re not into that sort of thing, then this isn’t the day to read the blog.
I’m feeling a bit stressed tonight. It could be the home, it could be the deadlines, but more than likely it is my tendency to tune into the emotions and issues of everyone around me and feel it so strongly that it crushes any existing mood within me. I am, in a word, susceptible. This can be a good thing. If I am in a bad mood I can get lifted by the people in my orbit. However, I tend to default to good mood. After all, I’m alive and moderately healthy and I have all of my faculties and my life is, well, dope. However, when the mood is one of sadness or (especially) disappointment, it crushes me as a human. I cannot be around disappointment too long without falling victim to it. The feeling of it in the air makes me feel powerless and for whatever reason responsible for not being able to pull whomever I am around out of the terrible funk it brings. I have become more aware of it in the last few days since reading the opening chapter of Kotaro Isaka’s “The Mantis” where he equates the need to keep the atmosphere right to trying not to step on a tiger’s tail. Only in this instance I know that whomever is in my orbit is simply having human reactions and I am the one who quickly spirals.
This is a difficult thing to realize about oneself. At once I want to have everyone around me living their best and happiest lives, yet at the same time any crack in that armor sends me right off the deep end. Someone would have to be absolutely bonkers to want to be with a guy like that. Fortunately, I’ve found that one in a million. See, life is good. Even if the energy isn’t always so.