Days like this I feel like it would be easier living in the era of the zombie apocalypse. Less politics. Digging through the last few years of posts I found that this isn’t the first time I’ve been to this point, but the first time it has been so low and pervasive. I feel like I’m in a constant hamster wheel of negative energy and unable to stop long enough to focus on the good things in my life.
And they are a plenty.
The problem is me making the wrong choices in a field of really bad choice options. Today I allowed a misunderstanding to snowball into something truly dark–a matter that could have been avoided if I had been more forthcoming about what was going on ahead of time as opposed to trying to spare feelings and avoid confrontations. I don’t think it helps that I haven’t been honest and up front about where I am emotionally.
I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be the best possible version of myself. Lately I’m trending in the other direction and watching the people around me flake off, growing disinterested in this lesser version of myself. I get it. However, you cannot go through all I’m trying to endure and not show cracks. There is a deep and lasting reason why stress kills.
There is also a deep and evident reason why a lot of that stems from always trying to protect others and coddle or correct negativity when I know that I cannot. I’m done with all that. I’m done protecting feelings and trying to deescalate conflict. It isn’t working. I don’t know why I am surprised. It never has worked.
So, less I fall into the classic definition of insanity it is long past time to look at the past and consider where I’ve been in order to better chart the path to this destination–this place in my heart and mind where I can build myself up to be that person I know I am capable of being.