There is this book that sits under the table beside my bed. It talks about taking back the power in your life, being in control, and tapping into your own inner badass. This feels so separate and distant from the love and kindness and the mindfulness of buddhism as to be a foreign entity. It is an entirely different kind of energy and one that I am beginning to discover is attractive to a body of people in a way that metta is not. I’m learning this as I am starting to learn what does and doesn’t draw people towards me. It is a factor of why I dislike the dating world, because I feel like I’d have to become that badass person in order to garner any sort of attention from someone who doesn’t already know me.
In short: I’m not the kind of guy women fall over each other trying to meet. I am a person who people tend to enjoy knowing (or utterly hate, as I am polarizing). It is getting to that point that requires work on the part of both parties. I have no interest in the work.
Still, the topic continues to float to the surface, largely due to the ‘L’ word. No, not the four letter one. Weekends are especially tough for me in that respect and I find myself wondering time and again what it would be like if it were not as it is. Still, the way I want it to be is a dream deferred.