It has been a year since the blog broke; since I broke. I didn’t spend that year healing. I spent it treading water and trying to find some small peace to hold on to. I found that. I reconnected with love. I learned about how hard that can be and how fragile humans can be in general. I learned about my limitations emotionally and the things that weigh me down both literally and otherwise. In short I didn’t spend the last year living but instead trying to figure out a way to live and making sense of what little there was to hold on to while hoping for more.
It was not the best year.
It was not the worst year. There were moments of pure anguish and darkness that pushed me past my limits. I need both hands to count the number of whole days I wanted to be my last. It brought back the shades of that 12-14 gap of time where I truly believe much of my life was decided and much much more of my passion and promise were squandered. I remember being thirteen and opening my bedroom window eight floors up and thinking how easy it would be to step through head first. I wouldn’t have met my partner then. I wouldn’t have had these amazing kids or these memories–both good and bad–or the understanding that in each life there is darkness and light and we exist in both as we exist in day and night. We cannot have all of one and none of the other at either end of the spectrum. We may believe it to be such. I spent a number of weeks out of the last 52 believing it to be such, but it is not the case. It is melodramatic and short-sighted to only see the awful or the good and believe that this is what life is.
I’ve matured. I learned about the issues I face both as an individual and as a part of this growing family. I learned that I need friends to talk to outside of my relationship, because a singular perspective doesn’t grant much perspective. I learned that I am happiest cuddled up. I learned that video games aren’t my only escape. I flee into story and screens just as often. I learned that the thing I am running from is exactly what I am running towards–self realization of what I am capable of for better or worse.
I’ve learned that I have a lot more learning and healing to do over this next year and unless I commit to the endeavor fully, I will fail a great deal more than myself.