The writing escape did not go well. I am in need of a real escape. Actually leaving the state or the daily struggle or something. I need 24 hours of Talis time to get things back on track.
What is interesting is that my biggest strength (IMHO) as a writer is where I am failing here. I am not developing dynamic characters and locations. That is what I do! To not be able to trigger that within me is a real struggle and a personal let down. It demands change and perhaps by change I mean some sense of stability. I’m struggling with that mightily. I had my feet right for a minute and then I got hurt and then my world exploded (again) and I haven’t gotten my feet right since. I have, unsurprisingly, retreated into the oh so wonderful world of Minecraft where I can push towards (largely undefined) goals quite readily.
What I will say is that I did dip my toes in story for a second today. I looked and laid out and considered. I recognized what needed to be done, but failed to actually accomplish it. This failure represents the potential for growth. I cannot continue to suck like this–I realize that. I also realize that in this failure I see the bones of what is needed to be successful. I see that I need to get back to handwriting lists and setting aside real hours tucked far away enough from everyone that their world and needs do not impede. My kids offered me some of that this weekend, but I failed to seize the opportunity properly. I came up short there by spinning off into fantasy and youtube and not doing the hard work needed.
All I or anyone can really do in this situation is keep trying. I don’t expect to give up. I expect to pick up where I left off and get it right this time.
Some Thoughts:
- Found a new breakfast spot. Pricey but good service.
- Until right now, I haven’t experienced silence for close to a week. I haven’t actually been alone (outside of my car) for close to a week. I know that is part of the problem. A big part. I crave family but that has to be balanced with solitude. I need a few hours a week just me and the silence and laptop nearby. If I can take that time and not waste it on games, I might have a chance at success.
- Anxiously waiting to see if I get a much needed raise. I am drastically underpaid in comparison to my fellow faculty. All signs point to it staying that way, but one can dream.