To sum it up in a catchy phrase: Enjoy what I can and endure what I must.
Over and again I’ve changed my outlook on life, twice deciding that people at the end of life decide to die because they’ve put up with ‘enough of this shit’ that oblivion feels welcoming. My thoughts as of late are a version of that, though less bleak. I’ve been blogging about my downward trend towards unhappiness, the needle of my decline flinching with every shift of living conditions. At times I thought the needle set it’s gradient on wanting things–fame, fortune, etc. At other times I thought it was more about how other people were feeling. Both are true, and basic, and resoundingly human feelings.
Here is what I’ve come to realize: I have to be able to be strong and centered within myself in order to be of service to anyone else. In order to do that I have to go back to the old school Buddhist philosophy of embracing suffering. I have to be able to endure the stuff I don’t like, but I don’t have to endure everything in the world. It is, after all, my life and I can cut from it what I find to be the most toxic. In other words, I only must endure what I must.
This does not mean there is no joy in my life. In truth I find beautiful moments every day. I wake up most mornings curled up with the most beautiful soul I’ve ever felt. Already there is joy. Greed demands I carry that joy throughout the day, but reality says, ‘Not so fast, my friend. There is stuff to do that is going to pull you from that embrace.’ A lot of that stuff I’d rather not do. However, some of it brings me joy too. There is joy in watching my boys play sports and providing input and growth to their teams as a coach. There are moments of joy in the classroom when I connect with a student and I see, for a moment, that light of love of communication flicker on.
There is joy in the moments that I am typing out a story and I feel it thunder through my heart and into my fingers and I know that this is exactly what I am meant to do. There is a lot of endurance wrapped in that joy. There is a lot of endurance coating the brief yet powerful joy I feel when my body really feels good and alive the morning after a workout. There is no joy in the workout itself. This must be endured. Many things in my life must be endured. Still, I will love many many moments in between.