I don’t consider myself a selfish person. However, if you look at my life then I appear extremely selfish to those around me. Buying this house next to my partner was, in its way, selfish. My actions in general are selfish. I have done a number of things and continue to fill my life with a number of things that I enjoy and do not in any way correlate to my partners wants and needs, and that is selfish. So what now? Now I suppose I finish my selfish ways. I go about my business and slowly change the direction of my life until that point where it aligns with an opportunity to stop.
In five years I will quit my jobs. All of them. That quitting may come sooner, but I am fearful that it won’t come soon enough. The years will continue to represent a shedding of responsibilities. I will leave behind the majority of these selfish things and explore what may come.
I don’t know what may come. I don’t have expectations and I have discovered that I have fewer and fewer desires in life and that is okay. I want to experience what it is that makes my partner happy and I recognize that how I live is a barrier to that. So, change has to come as soon as it can.
Why wait? Because I am selfish. I don’t want to feel like I didn’t do the things I wanted to do or create the opportunities I wanted to create. In truth I have terrible fears about money and I need a few more years of employment to get to the point where I can survive and live the life I think my partner and I want without needing to have the type of job(s) I do on a daily basis.
One sad truth: I have abandoned any real sense of work goals or even writing goals. I suppose what I want most is to make it to the finish line and present the best version of myself that I can on the way to that end. It is not who I was or who I ever planned to be, but it is who I am and that is the truth.
Some Thoughts:
- I waited a full minute before I started the blog. I watched the clock turn to 8:37 and then I waited. I allowed the silence to fill me and focused on the idea of what I wanted to say.
- I needed to say it, if only here.