I think, in a relationship, it is possible for conversation to be hindered the way blood flow is hindered by plaque buildup or stress or high pressure against the artery walls. I feel like I’ve reached this space in my own life. Where some respond to such with therapy or other forms of external connection I respond with the internalization and the buildup of sadness and anger and perhaps even resentment. I grow to regret my words and I eat my words and I eat my feelings and I train myself not to feel things and not to care for other things and all of this adds up in my brain and in my heart and, now, in my blood vessels.
My blood pressure was 154/100 tonight. It is getting worse with every reading and I have every reason to believe it is stress related. I’ve hit a point where the medicine I’ve been using to keep it down is either no longer effective or, worse, is all that is keeping me alive. I feel like A truck running down a highway and swerving hard to the right towards that emergency stop area which, always seems to end at the edge of a cliff. Only i don’t know if I will stop or what will happen at all. What I do know is that there is a deep rooted problem in my being and I don’t have the first clue of how to solve it.
I’m dying faster than I want to. And the problem is only accelerating.